April 29, 2005

I did something very stupid today; some guys at work had a poker night… alongside with the bog cheese from senior management. They were also meeting with other guys from other firms… big cheese… we all turned up at the casino and you could tell everyone here was loaded… these were like guys who probably work at trading floors at investment houses… most of them were in their mid-thirties and were driving Aston Martins, Jaguars, BMWs and there my odd Audi TT… I wasn’t no don at poker but I knew enough, my dissertation was on evaluating poker hands and developing a computer to play poker, so I guess I had a right standing… I checked my bank balance before I started anything stupid… just a little bit about 10 grand… I budgeted two grand… we sat at the tables and I’ll tell you want, I lost that 2 grand in less that one hour… a few guys were making enough money… a friend of mine from work had won about four grand…. So I thought why not let me put in another two grand… and bwoy… I got quite a few good hands and by the end of the night, I had six grand in the bag!!! So I won 2 grand!!! I had two grand without working…. We all left the casino and I kept on thinking… I HAD 2 GRAND WITHOUT WORKING!!!! I was addicted… I booked my place for the next poker night!!!

It’s kinda funny, I kept on checking my email every other minute checking to see if Donna had mailed me back!!! But she didn’t mail me!!! NOOOO!!!! It’s cool though… I’m sure she will…. Soon...

Fingers crossed

April 28, 2005

Today was different, went to my local Sainsbury’s…. I was buying some yoghurt… I love yoghurt!!! And some cookies…. That’s when I saw this girl in the fruits section… even though I just saw her from behind and couldn’t see the face… I was like wow… she had jeans on and yet, I could see what she was working with… her hair wasn’t short… but it looked nice… that’s when she turned around… I kinda dreaded this moment… because I’ve seen countless girls you see from the back, and you like YEAH! but when you see their face… you like NO!!!!!!! But I must say she was pretty… she had light brown skin…. And her lips were just perfect… our eyes made brief contact and I flashed an English smile… the “fake” courteous smile you make when you get into the elevator full of people… she didn’t smile back… I’m like okay… she looked about 19, 20…??? Kelly could do with someone new right now… I had to say something… I couldn’t let her walk away… even if it was nothing major… I had to let her know I existed for the moment… DAMN!! Kelly think…think… say something… then the light bulb lit…. “You are like the prettiest girl I’ve seen in this store for a while…. Are you friendly?” The look on her face was like “What is this guy on about?”… For one second I thought she was going to blank me, so I did a quick look around to check of anyone was watching or listening… there was nobody… “Err… sometimes…” She said in a plain tone… she wasn’t helping… she probably thought who is this guy trying to be funny…? “Sometimes….. In that case I’ll leave you to enjoy your plums alone…” I said… “Nice meeting you, I’m Kelly by the way…” She had this perplexed look on her face…. Like what is wrong with this guy? By the way my hand was stretched out for a handshake… and she looked at my hand for a minute and she shook it…. “Donna” She said… still not smiling… “You got soft hands… what moisturizer do you use?” I said… again… she looked at me like I was going crazy but she then burst out laughing… “Is this some joke?” She said… “No… not at all…. Just some guy who is really crap at chirsping a girl having a go…. How am I doing?” I said… “Just like you expected….crap…” she smiled and started to walk away… even though the event was funny… I still felt like my ego was being stepped up…. To be frank I wasn’t too good at chirsping women… I was more into conversations then pop up the question… “Have you got email?” I said… I had let the words come out before I thought to myself “email?????” she looked at me again… and shook her head… “You do know what that is right?” I said… I felt like with every word I was saying, I was digging a hole for myself and it was well deep now… “Of course I know what it is” she said… it was now like I was following her… she was heading for a checkout… “So have you got one?” I asked again… “Yes…” she said… “I take it, its donna@stushgirls.com?” I said…. “Haha… that’s funny…” she said… I could see she was now enjoying the attention…. Even though I still felt a bit stupid…. “errmm… is it leavemealone@idonttalktostrangers.com? “ I said… I wasn’t giving up… “okay this is getting ridiculous now…” she said as she got to the checkout till… it was a guy at the checkout and he could see I was trying to work a lil’ something… so he was smiling… “can you please tell her how pretty she looks…?” I said to the guy at the counter… who just seemed to smile and said nothing… I knew she was enjoying all this attention… who wouldn’t enjoy it… it wasn’t like I was some grotesque looking guy… I mean, this is Kelly!!! Wait until you see my TT parked outside… “Okay let me have your number then even if I can’t have your email address…” I said… it was really getting ridiculous now… it was going on for too long…. I MEAN!!! We got out of the supermarket together… and I felt like a bugaboo... but what kept me going was the fact that her body language wasn’t saying sod-off… and she hasn’t said… “Can you please stop bothering me… you tosser”, so I assumed she was loving it… she brought out her keys and pressed something… and I could see the side lights of the black polo flash…. “seen… she drives” I thought… “Is she trying to show off…?” She got into her car… and I can’t believe I was standing next to the car…. “I think its time you gave up” I thought to myself…. She opened the glove box and brought out a pen and wrote down something and handed it to me…. It read “princess_donna@hotmail.com” …. I smiled and shook my head… “I hope it was worth it…” I said… as she drove off with Ciara’s “Goodies” oozing out of her car stereo…. “YESSSS!!!!” I said to myself proudly… that was a proper long ting!!! Damn… princess donna… better be some bonafide email address!

I got home and the first thing I did was to sign on to hotmail on my laptop…. Typed in her email address…

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
Can’t separate what’s fantasy from what’s true
The food I got from the store has lost its taste
I feel my blood is turning into a paste
The colours I see look nothing but dull
Sitting here thinking about how much I wanna get to know you more…

Kelly…xxx

Ps. mail me back even if it’s just to say “I’m not interested”

I hit the send button and a huge grin formed on my face… “this should be fun…” I said to myself

April 27, 2005

Watching The O.C. yesterday got me all sentimental… okay there’s this guy who had this girl, and then he was having problems and left her all alone without saying crap and when he came back, she was with someone else and he kept on bugging her even though she’s like leave me alone…but it was obvious she still had feeling for him… okay this other guy she was going out with had this amazing weekend all planned out when he was going to “make love to her”… but at the airport she said she couldn’t do “this” anymore… so she back to the ex-boyfriend’s house and they did the SPIDERMAN KISS!!!! Oh my days… kinda brings back some memories with Lisa… we did “the Spiderman kiss” once… the upside down one... but I wasn’t all hanging upside down… even though I was kinda upside down… it’s just one of those things I saw and said… lets try that… it good still… so I remembered that last night… At the end of the day what I learnt is… “Love” sucks!!! Trust me… even though this girl had a boyfriend, she still had feeling for her ex and to make it worse she left her current boyfriend for her ex… and then did the Spiderman kiss… should I say it doesn’t get worse than that or it doesn’t get better than that? How do you deal with the ex factor? How do you deal with the fact that even though you’ve got a girlfriend… there are guys in the past or maybe one guy in her past who she loved off but for some reason they couldn’t be together no more… and when she kisses you, that’s what she thinks about? It doesn’t add up… I don’t know if I can speak for all boys but even though I’ve been with a few special girls… I don’t think there’s one who’ll get me all fantasizing about her while I was with some new girl… its not about that… I take time out to enjoy and savour each new person I’m with… but if my girlfriend left me for her ex or some guy in her past, I will be some gutted brother…. And the funny thing is the girl’s boyfriend was like… “I understand… you can’t fight fate….” How dumb is that… I guess there is nothing he could have done… when a girl says it over, that’s the end right? What’s the point in being with someone who doesn’t wanna be with you? It can be a heart wrenching feeling when you like someone so much but the feeling is not mutual… I remember when I was on Claire’s ass… bless!... its like I couldn’t think straight… its like everything centred around Claire… like the prat in Hitch said… you know when food loses its taste and colours seem dull… and you just feel you had to have something? That’s how I felt with Claire… it got to a point where some girl I used to know then… who kinda knew my situation with Claire was like… I was like her… as in you are ready to show someone but they not ready… and that day was the day everything changed… I said to myself, I WILL NOT BE LIKE THAT GIRL!!!! And from then, everything changed… its weird how powerful determination is…

I was at Bar One today where I met up with Byron… Byron told me he’s got a girlfriend now… how weird is that? Byron’s got a girlfriend… “So who’s the lucky lady? Someone I know….?” I asked… “I probably told you about her before, but you haven’t seen her before though…” he said… seen, is that Byron… apparently she’s some girl who he was managing at the moment… I knew Byron was dodgy with those girls he’s managing… obviously if he spotted some talent; he’d pick her up before anyone else… “So what’s her name?” I asked as I downed the rest of my orange juice… “Nikky…” he said… “this girl sings like an angel, and there’s just something about her…” he continued… okay when Byron starts talking like this… you know he’s gone crazy… the last time I heard Byron talk about a girl like this… he said the girl was so beautiful… but when I saw her, she wasn’t anything special… “I take it she’s got a big bum and not doing bad, bust wise…” I said… Byron like meat on a woman… he loved bum… he said he couldn’t work with a girl who didn’t have a bum…. Same here…. How can you work with a girl without a bum? He gave me the 411 on this Nikky girl… she was 19, was in some London university studying law and music or something crazy like that… (another girl studying law)… she had a nice bum (prominent one…) a “back off” he said… she was pretty and she sings good… she’s really outgoing… and they were getting along real good… its funny, she called just when we were speaking about her…. Byron had some smile on his face, that I aint seen for long… “Hey, what’s going on?” he said… followed by a smile… “I’m here with the one and only Mr Kels… the one I told you about…” he said… awww… that’s so sweet, he’s told her about me!!!! He then passed the phone to me, saying she wanted to speak to me… “Hi…Nikky, I must say I’ve heard a lot about you in the last 20mins… and I can’t wait to see you…. “I said… “Aww, thank you… can’t wait to see you too… Byron’s told me a lot about you…” she said… she had a sweet voice on the phone… “As Byron told you, you’ve got an amazing voice…?” I said… I could hear her laughing… “Thanks…” she said… “Okay I’ll give the phone back to Byron, so you love birds can get on with it….” I said….

“I might bring Nikky down here, probably on Sunday, if that’s cool?” Byron said…. “Yeah, that’s good… wanna see her… hope she’s worth all this hype…” I said… “Trust me she is” he reassured me… the more I thought about it, the more loosely coupled the bond between the brothers appeared… about a year ago… it was all the brothers under the roof of Bar One, every Sunday… then it became, once a month… now the last time that happened was like February… it was more of Byron and I now… and with the emergence of Byron’s new girlfriend Nikky, the more it was going to become… just Kelly in Bar One… I know my boy Byron wont punk out on me… he’s my closest of the brothers anyway… if there were any two brothers who knew each other’s business it was just us two… so it wont just be Kelly anytime soon…. I got home around 11pm… landed on my bed… turned on Jenny’s slow down zone… is it me or do they play like the same songs everyday…. It’s cool though… I hadn’t heard the song that was on currently playing for a while now… it was Heather Headley’s "I Wish I Wasn’t"

“I'm home alone again
And you're out, hangin' with your friends
So you say, somehow I know it's not quite that way
It's getting pretty late and you haven't checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like you're ignoring me…

…When you touch me my heart melts
and everything you did wrong I forgive
so you play me and take advantage
of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you that's why I'm so mad
now I'm drowning in disappointment, and its hard for me to even look at you”

It’s funny how I got so complacent in all my past relationships… and how many women would have sang this lyrics burning of hatred for Kelly…. its like I go through thick and thin to get a girl and when she’s so much on me… and then I feel like I want my space again… its always being the case that when I was involved with someone… that’s when there are so many women out there who wanna get with me… but when I’m alone… there’s like no one… it’s really weird… it’s really about time the right one came along… its about time I found someone to share all this love with…. It wont be bad at all to have someone to come home to every night… waiting for you in some sexy lingerie on the bed… a few months ago, it wouldn’t have cross my mind to ask a girl to move in with me… but right now I wouldn’t mind a girlfriend moving in….

Is this feeling for real or is it just because, things seem rather quiet lately?

April 26, 2005

Many girls think men don’t get insecure when it comes to relationships… it’s funny but most of the time men are very insecure in relationships but have been brought up by the society to mask this and try to pretend like it doesn’t bother them… some make a good job of it, but some people really cant handle this… in all my relationships… even though I’ve been in situations when I need my girl was talking to some next guy, I never went out of my way to scare off the geezer or threaten my girl to stop talking to the other guy, because at the end of the day, a relationship should be about two people who wanna be together… and if the girl feels like she wants to be talking to some next guy, its not in your place to fight this “battle” to scare off this guy off your girl… because if your girl really wants to be with you… she’ll never cheat on you and stray… so its all about how much of a “lock” you’ve got on your girl… some girl said something recently which made me think… what??? Apparently she thought it was “heroic” for her man to tell some man off about trying to move his girl… that it shows how much he “loves” her… what a load of bollocks…. A real man is a man who can sit in one end of the room and watch his girl at the other end… and even though next manz are all around her… he’s rest assured she wont do anything dumb… and even if she does… it’s really her problem isn’t it…? The problem why some men feel this way is because… they become so comfortable and emotionally reliant in the relationship and start to form fears about the relationship ending… and thinking dumb things like “Will I even find another woman like this?” I know breaking up can leave you in an empty, fearful and lonely state… with Claire, it wasn’t too bad, because I kinda met someone else even before I finished with her… it was difficult with Lorraine because I was kinda involved with her… she showed me many things.. and kinda made me realise what kind of woman I really wanted and what kinda man I wanted to be… I had that empty feeling after Lisa played her dumb game… but I wont say it got to me that much… What mentality many guys should develop is… “If you leave me… it’s really your problem… you the one missing out…”

Because many people get too comfortable in a relationship, after a break up the alone feeling causes so many problems… for instance degradation of self esteem and self worth… essential mentality to adopt is knowing that you can meet women anytime you want… this mentality prevents you from being so clingy in a relationship and even with any girl you may be seeing… this “clingy” behaviour is all ingrained in dreading that you may never meet a woman as good as the one you with presently… I tell you… it’s all lies… I thought Claire was all-buff… but its all a state of mind… after I finished with her… I could see clearly its just this silly trick you mind plays with you when you think a girl is too good to be true... Lorraine was cool, and after she left, I meet even better looking girls… when you know you can get a woman so easily then you wont be holding on to some woman like she was your lifeline… all letting go of your self respect and worth… thus making the whole situation and making the girl see you as this pathetic loser!!! When it would have been so good if you could just have walked away…!

It’s amazing how having inner confidence and knowing being confidence makes you so much attractive… I tell you what… if someone told me Lisa would have been my girlfriend; I would have laughed my ass off… Lisa was so damn standoffish… she was one of the girls who thought they were too nice and the thing is SHE WAS NICE!!! I remember the first time I spoke to her… she was all looking at me thinking what’s this boy talking about… I was 21 then… and even though she was 20… she thought I was 18, because I’ve got this baby face going on… and was astounded some young breh could actually move to her… I’m like don’t get this twisted… apart from the age thing… she still looked way out of my league if you know what I mean… but then it was all down to my confidence, showing her… all this “I’m too nice” don’t faze me… at the end of the day, I like you and this is what I’m saying… I don’t kiss no-one’s ass… If I appear to be kissing your ass then trust me you’ve got something else coming… its like a rollercoaster… you all high up and thinking wow this is great… then down you go… anyway the rest was history with Lisa….

Guys don’t talk about it but there are two major issues that guys face when it comes to girls… the first is insecurity and the second is jealousy!!! When a guy is insecure he is always thinking and worried about some guy stealing his girl off him… this is some lame feeling… what happened to you being on top of your game!!! Fair enough, if you find out your woman is running game on you… its cool... don’t react… don’t give in to the temptation… if you cant work things out… (which I’m not a big fan off… I mean… infidelity in a relationship is a big no go area… and when a girl treads those areas… its oblivion… there’s no coming back… I could talk to her as friends… but this breh don’t share his milkshake… once some next man is had it… then he might as well keep it… no hard feelings)… insecurity is a mixture of feelings that make you worry about losing your woman and also worrying about the fact that if she was meant to leave you, you wouldn’t be able to find another one….! Then here is where the problem lies… when you go out with your girl and some other brehs are moving to her, you get all angry and pissed off… there are enough guys who have passed on to “the other side” because of this whole “girl beef” thang…. Its not about that… Insecurity sets off the GREEN EYED MONSTER…JEALOUSY!!!! This is the dangerous side of insecurity…. It is so powerful; people kill because of jealous… I mean you go to a party and you go to the gents and before you back, there’s some breh talking to your girl and you think “what???” …this reminds me of when I first met Chloe and I was at this party she happened to be as well… even though I knew her boyfriend was there… I was all next to her chatting her up… and even danced with her… its mad, because I usually don’t dance at parties but this has to go down as one of the most sensual dances I’ve had… she felt so nice!!! And then while we were talking… she gave me her number and then there was her boyfriend… walking towards us… I’m like this is it… “Is this how manz is gonna go?” I mean Byron and Mark where there… but they weren’t no gangsters Byron was some good boy and Mark was this suave looking breh, so if anything broke out… I was a goner...

Feeling jealous is a very natural instinct and feeling… you hear something about your girl and you get all this feelings of rage... just calm down… turn the kettle on… some men are known to “punish” their women in bed while doing the dirty by being very reckless!!! It’s a very dodgy area as well because men have the instinct to want something another man has… you walk down the street and you see a girl walking with her boyfriend and you are so quick to look back at her bum… and even though you know a girl has a man… you still interested! At the same time guys are so quick to feel jealous when they suspect that their woman is messing around or when you feel some next man will take your girl off you…. Which again is the “double standards” men are known to have… Jealousy can take you down two different paths… it can turn you into a clingy dud… where you kiss your woman’s ass all day all night and it can lead you down the path of doing something pathetic like getting into a fight or killing someone… and really some women enjoy having a boyfriend who’ll beat up some other man because of her… I put it all down to attention… which really is a very naïve, inhuman, immature and uncivilised way of dealing with things… humans are giving the intelligence to be able to talk about their problems… and when you have to result to means of violence… you are more or less acting like an animal who cant talk about his problems… which is the major issue… men aren’t brought up to talk about their problems and when they cant contain it no more… they express themselves with fists and bullets… I lot of guys might not buy into my views but at the end of the day everyone is free to do whatever he wants to right?

And this problem has this cumulative, snowball effect… which is common with women as well… you come out of a relationship where you’ve been treated badly and you lose all your self esteem… say you lucky, you meet this new attractive woman and you go out to a party… then you walk to the bar to get drinks and when you come back… your new “woman” is in the company of two buff mans and they are making her laugh, who you know are so much better looking than you are and appear to be more affluent than you are…. When the guy sees this happening…. He freaks out!!! All the feelings of insecurity and jealousy the last relationship induced in him surfaces again and he starts to think maybe the girl really wants to be with these guys… he then goes over acting like a complete dud and takes the girl away from the scene… probably leaving the party or taking her to another section… SO DUMB!!! Why should you EVER make it obvious that you are intimated, jealous and insecure… all you are doing is making this other men feeling powerful!!! And then the woman sees you as some insecure prat!!! And many people will ask… so what are you suppose to do….errr…. its all about what you should have done before it even happened…

First of all, come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to be insecure and jealous about and this will only lead to your being fearful and the subsequent actions to take will only lead to down the path of losing this woman anyway… next thing is to be on top of your game and being confident with the fact that you can always get another girl (THIS IS VITAL… THIS IMPROVES YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH…) thus you know if this woman was to leave you, you can always meet new women… in this sense you are NO MORE INSECURE…BECAUSE YOU CAN EASILY SECURE ANOTHER WOMAN! You also need to realise that if you woman is indeed “BUFF” then other guys will move to it and put their bid in… its inevitable!!! It’s going to happen and don’t be stunned when it happens… you need to also learn how to enjoy it when it happens… this is where you game comes in… why don’t you lean back.. and let the guy do whatever he wants to… then you can ask your girl… (in most cases she’ll tell you…) about what the girl said… like there was this guy used to text Lisa all the time… chatting some dumb lyrics and writing her lil’ poems…. While I was with Lorraine… her ex used to call her all the time... which I had no problems with… AFTER ALL YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM THESE GUYS’S LINES AND GAMES RIGHT!!! And if your girl leaves you… you could always use one of these guy’s lines… maybe it was really good that’s why you lost your girl….

Another thing you should take into consideration is some girls go out of their way to put themselves in situations where guys can move to them… its either they just love attention… or trying to make you jealous… and the best strategy to use when dealing with this is act like it doesn’t bother you… imagine someone is doing something to get your attention and you are not paying no mind to it… it will get them so mad!!! or better still talk to other women… but be warned this can turn into a crazy game that could go out of hand… your woman may proceed to go on and sit on some other brehs laps or hugging another guy in a way that makes you uncomfortable... because if you really like her, you will get jealous…! Therefore if this is the case… just don’t act… act like you are not even noticing it’s happening… but if your woman is crap at playing games then if you talk to other women, you’ll be back quicker than you know it… but if she’s really competitive, you don’t wanna mess with her…

Adhere to the fact that the only power other guys will have with your woman is really the power you give to them… if you act all insecure and jealous… you are giving them the power… GET OVER INSECURITY AND JEALOUSLY!!!! THERE’S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!!!!

It’s a girl thing! Don’t be caught dancing with the green eyed monster!

April 25, 2005

Louise came round to my place today, it was fun actually… she was telling me about this guy who was on her… it felt different because, SHE’S TELLING ME ABOUT A GUY!!! Okay basically this guy has been talking to her on the phone and what not… she said he hasn’t actually dropped it that is likes her or whatever… but its quite apparent that he’s in her… I’m like seen…. Now I’m meant to be playing her lil’ gay friend, that she’s telling about next manz… its fine by me, probably that’s how she felt all those times I used to tell her about Amerie… so I guess I had to play by her rules now init? He apparently took her to this nice restaurant and she had a great time… I don’t know if I was meant to be getting jealous, but you know usual Kelly… I was all asking her about the date and if the guy was cool… she’s like “Oh… we just friends…” I’m like whatever... she then carried on about this guy’s hair… I don’t know if I was meant to be getting self conscious… but she’s like he’s got really bushy hair but he thinks it looks nice on him, which really doesn’t… even though I was meant to have bushy hair as well… she’s like he must think he’s some sort of John Legend… or something.. I’m like okay… this is me really getting self conscious now… I didn’t know if I was meant to play along and cuss his bushy hair or if I was meant to be in his support, about how bushy hair could be good… she’s like oh, she thinks bushy hair comes across as not taking care of yourself, like you can’t be bothered… I’m like… doesn’t he dress good? She’s like so far as she’s concerned, its all about the hair... and if he cant take care of his hair… then it shows he cant be bothered… okay as far as I’m concerned, that’s a crappy assumption… because she thinks bushy hair looks good on John Legend, but doesn’t look good on this guy in question… therefore bushy hair has nothing to do with, being able to take care of yourself, its all about, what looks good on you right… I couldn’t be asked to go into any arguments, because it’ll show that I was trying to prove a point to her which really I wasn’t… Kelly does what Kelly wants to do… and is it me or I’ve been referring to myself in third person nowadays… at the end of the day its all mixed reviews… I tend to work with a lot of women at work... and they do make a comment or two about my hair about how it looks good… but then you get some as well who go… “you need a hair cut…” at the end of the day it comes down to what you are comfortable with right… and I quite like my hair long… because every time I get a haircut after having really long hair… its like I’m looking at someone else in the mirror… and if my hair is a problem for any girl… then oh well… too bad… it’s your problem…. Funny enough, I picked up my parents from the airport today… and my mom made a comment about my hair, how bushy it looks and reckons its alright to have long hair but I should comb it… HELLO!!!! Its not about the afro… it’s just not me… I quite like this rough, out of bed hair… once I pop to the barber and I get a dope shape up… I was sorted!!! It’s funny how Louise was bringing up this hair stuff… I know when we first started talking, Marie must have passed a comment about how her sister doesn’t like my hair and would like me more if I did get a hair cut… I’m like okay???? Hair or no hair… I had Louise all up in my grills and boy did I give her a good servicing or what… she was going to get back with her boyfriend… but after some good loving she changed her mind… so, as far as I’m concerned, it wasn’t really about the hair… and its kinda funny how girls carry on as well… Marie once told me how she overheard Louise telling her ex, how he’s so good in bed and how the guy she was seeing at the time (which was meant to be me) wasn’t as good as he was… okay is it me or girls just play some dumb games sometimes… like tell you what you wanna hear… (I thought it was just guys who did that…) She told me I was amazing and she wanted some more... she told Amerie as well… I mean if it wasn’t true why would she tell Amerie the same thing? And she was so quick to tell her ex I was crap… oh well I guess its to keep him happy and brushing up his ego… at the end of the day don’t be mad because I wasn’t on you when you were… its all good though… some girls need to be taught a good lesson…. Even though we meant to be friends… I feel she’s trying to be spiteful on the sly… coming to my house and cussing bushy hair like I wasn’t there…

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…

April 24, 2005

“You are a quarter metrosexual...” Chloe chuckled… okay can someone tell me what a quarter metrosexual is? “You are quite metrosexual, I have to give you that… you are not there yet if you know what I mean…” she continued… Seen… okay I obtained two items from Chloe today, jacked some tribal gypsy looking chain… kinda looked good on me still… and then I took her Chanel, Coco perfume…. Lorraine used to wear that perfume and I fell in love with it… and it kinda smells nice… so I’ll give wearing female perfume a try… Byron used to wear his ex-girlfriend’s perfume every time he stayed over… anyway, Chloe and I went to see Guess Who?, it’s a funny film… not too funny, but funny film… it was great hanging out with Chloe… the more time I spent with Chloe the more I felt inclined I was meant to be with her… but I couldn’t do that… I couldn’t hurt her… she’s been through her share of heartache and I wouldn’t want to add to it… obviously is she was mine I wouldn’t cheat on her… but I just feel for some reason it wont work out and there will be too much feelings involved… I dropped her at home… quick peck on the cheek, nothing special, but the hug lasted a while… “Love you” She said… I can’t believe how special she makes me feel every time she says those words and even though they were in a “platonic” context, it still felt good… “Love you too Chloe…” I said as I walked backwards into the car… this is getting weird now... I kinda mentioned her name at the end to add some sort of intimacy to it… I got back in my car and drove back home… thinking I need a girlfriend… its not even funny… I can’t be doing this one girl here today, one girl there tomorrow… that’s not me… and it’s getting a bit boring now… I wanna share this whole sugar with someone special… I kinda fancy the girl from Guess Who? she’s kinda sweet…

Spoke to Mark today… I’m happy it wasn’t just me who thought girls were carrying on funny nowadays… try act like they don’t need you ass no more… apparently some girl Mark had been seeing wasn’t answering his calls no more and even when he managed to get hold of her on the phone, she’s all showing him so attitude and telling him, she’ll call him back in ten minutes… it ended up being four hours time… and what was her reason…? “She had ‘something’ to sort out”… Mark asked me if I had any girls for him… “eerr… not really, it’s kinda quiet, business is not thriving…at all… if you know what I mean… talking about girls… I think I need to settle down… you know hang up the jersey and the boots… I tired bruv… all these running around…” I said… Mark just laughed on the phone… “Whatever… guess what? I swear I saw Michael with some next girl the other day and she was all hugging him up…” Mark said… “Is it? What did she look like?” He described her to me… and it was obviously Tracy… “Seen” I said… I wasn’t going to act like I knew…. Maybe they are just friends… “Doesn’t look like they were… Fiona won’t be too happy” he said… “You know what… that’s there business… Kelly needs a girl man….” I said… “Okay, when I see that ‘Kelly’ girl I’ll definitely give her your number” Mark said… we spoke for a while then said our goodbyes…

Come out wherever you are… that lucky lady… Kelly’s calling you…

April 23, 2005

I was at home all day today, which is kinda weird, trust me when you work hard Monday to Friday, you deserve a nice weekend... an action filled weekend… but today was different, woke up quite early… stayed in bed till around 11am just lying down there doing nothing while listening to Jon B’s new album, “Stronger Everyday”… the album is so dope! I thought it was going to be crap because there are like just about two or three slow jams out of 16 tracks… but its quite good… especially Beenie Man’s remix of “Every time”…

I ate some cereal in the kitchen while flipping through channels… nothing good on TV early in the morning… so I decide to give the cars a wash (the Audi TT and the BMW)… I started on the TT; quick was nothing special… after I finished with that, I started on the BMW… (my Dad like’s his car clean all the time, he spends like a tenner every week washing the car and cleaning the interior at the valet, so I reckoned I should give the car a proper cleaning since I’ve had the car for some time now… I had to give it back on Monday anyway…) I finished the washing in about 30mins… here comes the hard part... the waxing… I left the wax on it for another 30mins before polishing the car… as I was polishing; I noticed some black beauty in the distance, all dressed up in some skirt suit… I’m like “What?” she had a blue folder and she was with a couple of geezers… she was the only female…with about five guys… I thought they were from the Conservative party, carrying out surveys and polls, because you never know what antics this political parties were up to… as they approached from the distance… I could tell they weren’t representatives but just people working for home improvement companies… they kinda dispersed in groups, visiting each houses… I suppose they could see me (so vulnerable), outside washing my car, so I had no choice but to talk to them… (at least I’ll tell them I wasn’t interested while they tried to persuade me)… okay they used some strategy, getting the young attractive black lady to come and talk to me… they know I wont say no… they knew, I’ll probably try to listen to her…. And I must admit… I wasn’t looking my best… so I didn’t feel like I was on top of my game… mid afternoon (1pm), I hadn’t had my shower… my overgrown nappy hair… faded jogging bottoms… wet jumper… so I wasn’t feeling to confident ripping this one…

She walked over… she was young and pretty, I’d say probably between 17-19, and the skirt suit was really working for her… her hair looked kinda nice still… as she approached, before she said anything… “Your hair looks really nice” I said… she smiled... I probably threw her off her “over-rehearsed” line… “Hi, we are going round the street asking people if they will be interested in home improvements services” She said… she was pretty….AND I WAS LOOKING CRUSTY!!! “And as I can see, you’ve got a garage... and I was wondering if you’d like to convert that into another room” she continued as she gave the car a look over… I smiled… “err... aren’t you gonna ask me if I’m the home owner?” I smiled… “Oh sorry, are you the home owner?” She smiled… trying to regain her pose... “You new aren’t you?” I asked… “Kinda… this is my second time…” She said… she tried to be professional by immediately going back to the initial discussion about the home improvement… or maybe she just wasn’t interested because I looked crusty… BUT I WAS WASHING A BLIMEY BMW 7 SERIES AND THERE WAS AN AUDI TT RIGHT IN FRONT!!! SO WHATS THE LONG TING? She kept on going about the home improvement thing… and then some dude came along to join and I just thought… “Dud, try cramp my style” he started talking as well... and then I just said… “I’m not interested…” then shot her a smile “but I’m interested in you…” she gave me this funny look, as if to say… “You wish…” and the dude next to her… smiled as well… “Thank you for your time, I’ll leave you with this…” He said as he handed me some promotional pamphlets of the company… “Thanks” I said… as they walked away… Damn that girl looked kinda nice…. Still!!!!

Chloe called me today and asked if I wanted to go see the new Bernie Mac film “Guess Who” I really wanted to go… but I had some work I had to do at home… I normally don’t bring work home, but I thought I might as well, since I had nothing planned for today… I told her some other day… I liked the way Chloe was so straight up, no stupid might games… she’s like a very good friend to me now… even closer than we were before…. So I guess there was no reason to play mind games with each other anyway… unlike people like Sunshine who thought mind games was the way… who will cancel on your ass… it’s not about that… I mean, I’m all pro-absence makes the heart fonder… it’s a game Mark plays all the time… arranges to meet a girl, and cancels on them… like three times in a row… I’m like what? I guess it just makes you want it more… Have you ever called a woman to arrange a meeting, and she’s like “This weekend… err… call me on Friday and we’ll talk about it…” that’s exactly what Sunshine said to me like a week ago… “err… I’ll let you know on Friday, that’s when I know if I’m going to be free” How dumb is that… if you wanna be free, you CAN BE FREE… all you have to do is to look in your diary (or mental diary), if there’s nothing… all you have to do is pencil me in luv!!!! or have you been asked by a girl if you were a player… I mean girls will ask you… “You are a player aren’t you?” or has a girl called you like hours before a date and cancelled on your excited ass? This happened to me, like two years ago… I met this amazing girl, and we used to talk on the phone… and she was cool… then we arranged to meet on a Saturday… I was so excited…! On my way to the date, I kept on thinking like… I can’t believe this is me going out on a date with this girl… like it’s so unbelievable!!! I was still on the bus, on my way to the West End, which is where we arranged to me… I got a text from her… and you know when you start getting texts, like an hour before the date… you can almost presume that it was a cancellation… and I was right… she said… she had to go into work… I’m like NOOOOO!!!!! I was all mentally geared up… only to be let down!!! Another instance… there was some girl I was seeing… and we were meant to go out to see a film… then she told me she had to go to work on that Saturday… I was kinda pissed but I thought what the crap, there is always another day… I then saw her friend the next day who told me she that she told her she lied to me… because she didn’t wanna go out… “I don’t wanna go…” Dumb ass girl… months after that, this same ol’ girl’s calling me, she really likes me and we should “take things to the next level”… I just thought… you are such a fool trying to play me for a fool…! When you play games with Kelly, you’ll always end up losing, because this breh’s strategies are always optimal!!! Have you also ever asked a woman for her number and she’ll say “Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you…” I’ve fell for this line bare times… actually like three times… and OBVIOUSLY THEY NEVER CALL!!!!!!!!! After all, think about it, if she really wanted you to call her… she’ll just give you her number…! I never fall for that crap no more… especially if she’s a CHOOG TING!!!

All these are the kinda games women play to test guys… with every girl who have some sort of dealing with; she will test you to see how much control she has in the relationship… and how strong you are!!! And the funny thing is if you fall for what the woman expected or wanted, YOU HAVE FAILED THE TEST!!!!!!!! And on numerous occasions, I have failed this test miserably!!! But the most important thing is to learn from these… after all they say experience is the best teacher… err… not really… I rather someone tell me in advance… than having to humiliate myself with some hot girl I was trying to work a lil’ something with!!!!

The tests are there to quickly eliminate the crappy guys! Think about a job interview… tests are carried out to filter out the “not so fit” ones… remember its all about survival of the fittest…! And it will be naive to think women actually go out of their way to carry out these test… they do it without thinking about it… it’s a subconscious thing… it’s after you react then say… “eermm… he’s not what I want”… after all a lot of guys do a lot of talking and when its time to back up the talk… they shrink!!! Think about it, if you were some buff girl with bare manz after you… how will you tell the “good” ones from the “crap” ones?...You need some form you subtle test which assess a guy’s real strength and weaknesses… I which he won’t have a clue that he is actually under some form of testing…. In this way, if he was of no “substance”, you will let me go faster than he realised…. Therefore a woman has a lot of power… and if the women carries out these tests all the time, she becomes used to it, and becomes a part of the women. In this way, she uses these tests while interacting with guys without even thinking about it… AND TRUST ME IF YOU FAIL ONE OF THESE TESTS, I CAN PROMISE YOU, YOU WONT BE GETTING ANOTHER CHANCE….. I’m talking from experience…

So next time, a woman wants to pull a fast one on you but saying, “Give me your number I’m call you…” NEVER EVER FALL FOR IT!!! Try this… say something cocky like “Err… I’m not exactly going to fall for that cheesy line… how long have you been rehearsing that for?” then hand her you phone and then follow you cocky line with something funny like… “I promise to call you just ten times a day until you decide to change your number, because I aint got anything else to do other than to call someone who doesn’t want me calling her….” Then don’t say anything else other than give her your phone… This could go either way… but there is a high chance, she’ll give you her number… and if she insists she won’t give it to you… then you know…SHE REALLY DOESN’T LIKE YOU!!!!!.... so take you cue and walk away… but don’t just walk away like a loser… talk to her… let her warm up to you… that’s why she probably said no in the first place… women are like ovens… you have to give them time to warm up to you… don’t forget she meets guys like you everyday… and obviously doesn’t give her number to just any guy… not unless you look like Brad Pitt or Morris Chesnut...

So next time a woman cancels on your ass… don’t get all irate… or get all understanding… I don’t care what anyone says… if you’ve got a date with someone you really wanna be with… then you would do anything to go on that date… not unless you had your legs chopped off, or you are at the hospital… it’s when you have options or you know the guy/girl will always be there, that’s when you cancel so easily… I mean if a woman could call in sick to work, to enjoy the morning after with a guy, I don’t see why you should cancel on a guy all because, “your mom asked shopping with her”.. your mom should be understanding if you tell her, there’s this hot guy, who really likes you and you don’t wanna take any chances with this guy…!!!! So guys when a woman stands you up… don’t make up excuses for her and don’t buy her excuses… just say “It’s cool, some other day….” AND DON’T SUGGEST ANOTHER DAY!!!!!! If she really was sorry for cancelling and REALLY wanted to go… she’ll arrange for another day…

Don’t let any girl take you for a ride… not unless it’s the kind of ride you want….

He he…!

April 22, 2005

Sunshine has been calling me all week now but to be frank, I’m over her dumb, weak-gaming ass… I mean, one day you feel a girl is worth pursing and the next day, you just cant be bothered with her no more… there used to be some girl I was on for time… and one day I heard some girl was going out with her, despite the fact that I’d been on her ass for a long time… its alright when girls play guys for dickheads but when guys wanna play games… that’s when everyone starts chatting… I think what guys need to do is form some form of coalition… if guys were more supporting of each other like girls stick with each other… then this world will be such a great place to live in…

Say for example, five guys are on a girl… and the girl is carrying on mad, like she’s too nice… those five guys should come together and plan a strategy to bring that girl down… i.e. they all stop calling her and stop showing her attention… therefore using the law of demand and supply… since her demand has been cut short, she’ll become more readily available right..? which is what each of the guys what right? Here’s the game theory part, if each guy goes away and thinks if every guy was to really act on this “pact”, then if I stay behind to keep on chatting to this girl, then I’ll probably get it… so if everyone in the coalition thinks this way, everyone will continue talking to her, destroying the whole aim of the pact!!! That’s why is will never work!!!

Byron once said, if he moves to a girl and she says no to him.. he’s not pissed because even though its not him but there’s some guy somewhere on this earth, who’s actually been there with you and got you on lock and on manners… so I aint mad at you… but don’t carry on like you too nice, because some guy has hit it before… if every guy had this attitude, then the world will be a better place…

April 21, 2005

Some geezer at work told me told it was his girlfriend’s birthday and he was still deliberating what to get her… I’m like what ideas have you got in you head? He’s like I’m thinking perfume, teddy bear… all those kinda things, “actually I’m thinking of getting her a webcam”… I don’t think I heard that last part right… I went “uh? Did I hear you say a webcam…?” he’s like yeah… okay maybe he’s at home bored at night and sometimes he just wants his girlfriend to show him a lil’ something… over the webcam so he could yank his plank… but it wasn’t about that… I’m like why don’t you get something for yourself? He was perplexed, “What do you mean?” He asked… I’m like “Get her something that’s you give to her… but is really for you…” He still didn’t get it… okay I had to drop it like it was hot… get her some lingerie!!! He’s like “what?”…

This is something men find hard doing… and I wont lie to you, I had the same problem… walking into a lingerie shop, or even a normal shop and lingering around the underwear section like some pervert… it wasn’t until one day, I was like you know what… I’m gonna get some underwear for my girlfriend today… Really we all have this idea and fantasy about what we would want a girl to wear to “bed”… but we are too inhibited to actually go out and buy these things… and when your girlfriend goes to you… “Oh hun, I got these really nice knickers…” and you are all waiting to see it and when she shows it to you… you are like… what? Is that it? So why don’t you get her underwear you’ll really like to see her in… err… like lingerie… buying lingerie should be a part of “repertoire”, so that you know WHAT TO BUY, WHEN AND WHERE TO GET IT!!!... and I’m not talking about going down to some dodgy market and get some cheap lingerie that will make your girl itch and probably get rashes as well!!! You don’t what that and she doesn’t want that… buying lingerie is just a part, the presentation is also part of it… therefore it should be delivered in a nice box with a nice ribbon tied in a bow!!! (Luckily the shop does that for you free of charge!!!)… Good lingerie allows access to “what you want” without it completely being in your face and covers everything interesting in mystery… therefore it makes the whole episode build up to a crescendo… good lingerie also draws attention to shapely “assets” while disguising the flabby bits… so the art of buying a good one… is having a mental picture of “what your girl looks like” and figure out what lingerie will accentuate the good parts and at the same time cover the bad parts… BECAUSE IT’S FOR YOU!!! (HOPEFULLY, YOU’LL BE PISSED IF SHE WORE IT FOR SOME NEXT MANZ WONT YOU?)

Quick note… you probably thinking where where where do I get them? err… a note… don’t be caught doing your lingerie shopping at Marks & Spencer… Anne summers is a bit too provocative… if you are new to this… I don’t advice to walk it there… Knickerbox and LaSenza are good places to start from… but don’t be deceived, when you walk into this shop you’ll feel so self conscious… because everyone else there is female… except for a few occasionally men… who are either with their girlfriends… or one who is probably trying to surprise his woman… I remember when I first went into LaSenza in Oxford Street to get a lil’ something… I had beads of sweat forming on my forehead because I had never felt so self conscious in my life… then I saw some breh… you I used to see around in my endz… walking in… I think it was Valentine’s Day… I’m like seen… I see what you working with… so I felt less self conscious... and I felt empowered like… yeah… I’m actually taking time out to do this…

Okay when you get certain lingerie… your girl might complain its uncomfortable or she feels uncomfortable in it… well you are not exactly asking her to wear it to work, or a party!!! Neither are you asking her to wear it all night… all you asking for is JUST 30 MINS!!!! That’s all you asking for… she puts it on and you take it off… which is becomes a routine… and if she still hasn’t forgotten how uncomfortable it is… then you definitely doing something wrong bruv!!!! Your woman might also say it makes her look sleazy and dirty…errr…. HELLO!!! THAT’S WHY WE LIKE IT EY!!!??? And what is exactly wrong with that? It’s for your mutual enjoyments in the privacy of you’re your own bedroom….Some girls might argue they don’t need to dress up to please their manz, but they actually don’t get it… “Don’t it” is like a drama… and dressing up should play a role…which adds fun to the drama… and besides if you are supposed to please her… shouldn’t she at least put on some “good stuff” to please you?

How to buy… SIZE HER UP!!! What you need to do is find out… covertly what size your woman is… if you don’t know by now then shame on you… you hear that SHAME ON YOU!!!... I suppose most guys can be tacky and just ask her… what size are you…? Why don’t you try ask on the sly… size her up… and she’ll probably try to correct you… then you’ll get the info you need… if you are a real ladies man you should be able to tell by looking at a woman what dress size she is and what bra size she is…. I tell you what… size 10 and 12s can be tricky and you have to know… for some clothes… she probably needs to get a size bigger or smaller… because sometimes it’s not all proportionate for some women… so whatever you buy MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THE RECEIPTS!!! DON’T THROW THEM AWAY BECAUSE YOU THINK SHE’LL THINK IT WAS CHEAP… I remember what time I was gonna get some underwear for this girl I was seeing… so I went to some shop… I saw some D&G bra for £50 and the matching thong for £25…I’m like WHAT!!! You could get a blimey thong for £2!!!!!! Okay basics you hear may girls say… she’s a size 36DD… and really they have no clue what that means… the “36” is her normal clothing size and the A,B,C (or D if she’s “bog”) is the size of her cup… so when you hear… 40C (don’t think 40 wow!! She must be bursting!!!)… Trust me you don’t wanna see what that looks like… what you want to hear is some b/w 32and 36 and C-DD….and more if you really lucky!!! And just extra information even heard someone say she’s a 32-28-36 and asked yourself, what do those figures stand for… its bust-waist-hips… so a girl with a good hour glass figure should have high-low-high… get it?

Also you might think what style should I get for her? WHO GIVES A TOSS!!!? Never buy it for her... BUY IT FOR YOURSELF!!! So focus on what you’ll like to see!!! If you are in the shop and you have no clue what you are doing… relax AND ACT LIKE YOU KNOW!!! Better still those ladies in the hop… you know the ones that work there… they are paid to give you tips so don’t be shy to ask for help! Grab what you like from the shelves, put a big smile on your face as you queue up with some buff women holding on to their own choice of lingerie… don’t worry the women at the counter are professional and wont laugh at you.. or think.. what are perv!

Let me see you run to the shops and get your woman a lil’ sum’um for yourself!!! You know just cant wait to see them on her….

April 20, 2005

I got to work today and told the guys about it, and everyone kept on going on about how crazy and out of my mind I was saying no to the two ladies… “It wasn’t one lady gagging for it, it was two!” they kept on saying… It probably didn’t add up because I was this geezer who was always chatting about women and game theory, so I was given this player title and now “the player” was saying he said no to a menaje toi? I got a call from my dad today saying he was out of the country for a week or so with my mom… he needed to get to the airport, my car was a coupe and he needed me to drop him off in his car at the airport and I could keep the car till he was back… so here I am a 22 year old with a BMW 7 series!!!??? That’s mad

Moments like this don’t come round everyday, they say girls judge manz by the size of their rims… the rims on this machine were 19 inch chrome rims… trust me they were mad!!! and the thing was they came with the car… moments like this don’t come round everyday… I drove an Audi TT which was cool and fashionable… but it’s only a TT and it was 51REG, the BMW was 54REG and it was a BMW and a blimey 7 SERIES!!!! I dropped my parents at the airport after work and here I was alone in this machine… I knew I had a week with this machine and bwoy… I needed to handle some business… show off this ride to some honeyz… the first was Sunshine… she hadn’t seen me for some months now… so I called her up and said I was in her area… even though I was a good 30mins drive from her place… that same ol’ lyric “I’m round your ends luv, and thought I should say hello…” The day I new rides could get a man bare women was one night, I think I was 19 then and I was out with Mark who was 20 then… Mark used to drive some Vauxhall then… we got to some party and bare manz were outside with their Golfs, Polos, Peugeots and what not…. So when we got there with the Vauxhall, we got no attention at all… to make it worse, there were lots of girls outside as well, because people couldn’t get into the club no more… Mark was like… “It’s not about this!, my dad is not home and he left his S Class Merc at home, I’m going to get it” I was like, are you crazy… what if something happens to it… you get a dent on the car or better still the police stop you? Mark was well determined though… next thing, we pulled up in a S-Class Merc and bwoy, did the attention fall on us or what… you could see all the manz screwing their faces like “what?”, who’s this pulling up in a Merc? The girl’s eyebrows were all sky high… we got out… and even though I was in the passenger’s seat, I felt like a don!!! I came out all screwing my face and looking, so what honey wants to get with this daddy… I aint gonna lie to you, I had no game then… but I got 10 numbers!!! It was unbelievable… and Mark done the dirty in the car with a girl that night… so when I say… a buff car = buff girls then I know what I was talking about… even in my humble TT, I still get enough respect… and attention… not quite as much, now that my CD car stereo, doesn’t work so… the music doesn’t seem to attract the attention to the car!!! DOH!!!!

I got to Sunshine’s house in Clapham… parked the ride in front of the house… I was still in my suit, so I looked like a responsible young man… I parked the car in such a way that the car was right in front of the house and the sitting room window, plus I saw someone look out of the window when I got out of the house… I knocked on the door and some lady opened the door, from the resemblance I took it, that it was Sunshine’s sister… but when she came out… and said “who is it mom?”… I like what? Maybe I should take your mom’s number… she was fit still!!!... I sat in the sitting room, and her mom was all showing me luv and that… giving me orange juice and asking if I was cool… okay maybe I was wearing a suit jacket… and I was driving a good car… I was handsome, tall and looked responsible… she asked me what I did… and I told her… I jammed there for a while and I said I was leaving… Sunshine’s mom was like “Take care darling, nice meeting you…” I’m like whatever… if I was wearing a hoody, with burnt lips and saying “wagwan”, I’ll be chased out of the house like a leper…

Sunshine walked me to the car… and the look on her face was worth millions… “Is it…. Is this you Kelly” She said looking at the car… “I’m trying” I said… trying to sound as humble as possible… “It came with the job, put I wanna exchange it for a humble Audi TT, its more my type… this is just too big” bwoy was I getting good at making up stories… “Can I go in it?” she asked… looking inside… “Of course luv…” I said… as we got in… the car came with everything… heated seats, TV, DVD player, name it, it was in there… so I turned on the DVD player… I had rushed to the shops to but Usher Live in Concert before I got to Sunshine’s house… and she was loving it… “You know I’ve been thinking about you lately” I said… I was so going to get mine back on this girl… I know how girls think… If you ask a girl out… she’ll say yes only if she’ll look good with you on street… and what woman wouldn’t want to tell her friends that her man was some Marketing guy at a big profitable company… (I was proud of that name)… and drove a BMW 7 Series… and he was just 22 years old!!! She kept on looking at me… as if to say take me… “What have you been thinking about?” she asked… I paused for a bit… letting Usher’s “Superstar” sink into my psyche… “About doing this…” I said… as I held her chin in place… and planted a sweet kiss on her lips and pulled back…. DAMN!!! She was so going to pay so standing Kelly up!!! And THANKS DAD FOR THE CAR!!!! And then she came back for more… and we kissed for some more time… I was so excited… “I have to go now love… but I’ll call you…” I said… obviously I wasn’t going to call… she’ll be calling me…

And was I right… I got home and she texted me “So where was it we were meant to go last weekend”…. See that’s what gets me mad about girls… when I had good intentions… I sucked… when I wasn’t serious… I got what I wanted!!!

Women aint ready!!!!

April 19, 2005

I got to Bar One around 9pm in my office suit, I had my tie off, so man was looking all criss and that… saw a couple of ladies at the bar, and said hello to them… they said hi back, nothing special, just being friendly with them… I was on a hype today, because I was gonna see Louise, she was meeting me at Bar One before we left together for my place, and its kinda funny because it was at Bar One I started creeping with her when I was with Lisa. She came in and it looked like she’d been at home and had a change of clothes, she was smelling nice as well… she gave me a quick hug… I could tell she was probably embarrassed with the way she’d been acting recently… but I tried not to talk about that… that was all in the past, hopefully she will be my friend and nothing else now, even though I predicted she’ll be back… We kinda caught up on what had been going on… she then said she couldn’t come back to my place afterwards because she had to see her mom…. I didn’t really mind because she brought me some food, which was cool… she left around 10pm… so I was alone sitting on a sofa in Bar One, had a few Red Bulls and orange juice… no alcohol… just sitting there on my own… which is kinda sad, cotching on your own at a bar, when everyone was with someone else or a group of people probably meeting up after work or just minor friendly chat

“Hey, anyone sitting here?” one of two young women asked me pointing to the sofa opposite me… she probably thought I was with a couple of people who had gone to the bar to get some drinks… “No, please have a seat” I said, having a quick look at both women… one of them had a champagne glass in the hand and the other had a cocktail in her hand… they kept on talking to themselves, as if they were catching up on what each did during the day… and there I was sitting looking at them, asking myself why I was still at the bar!!! I should just go home and sleep and get ready for work the next day but here I was sitting there looking at this two ladies talk… “You here on your own?” the blonde one said… “Hmm… kinda, my girlfriend just left” I lied… “Did you have some sort of argument? Why did she leave you?” I couldn’t make out what hair colour the other one was because she had a hat on and she had short hair and the lighting wasn’t helping either… “Err… kinda, we’ve been having problems” I said… obviously I wasn’t gonna play myself to be a loner… “Aww… hope it gets better with you two…” The blonde one said…. “Oh thanks…” there was a brief silence… “So do you come here often” in as much as that line was played out… I could do with some company right now, since I wasn’t ready to go home… “Not really, this is about….” The blonde one said looking at the other one in the hat who completed her statement “second time?”… “So what do you do?” She asked looking at my dressing… “Looks like you coming from work” she continued…. I had a quick think… what should I say… investment banker, car salesman, accountant, “I’m a writer” I finally said… “That’s good” the one in the hat said… nodding and looking at her friend… “So what do you write? Songs, poems, stories?”… “Actually I write columns in GQ” I was pushing it now… they were interested now… “About what?” the blonde one asked… “Relationship advice, stuff like that” I said… this was getting good… “That’s interesting… so you are some sort of relationship guru…. Like Dear Deidre?”… “Yeah, but a bit more sophisticated…” I said… “Have you got a business card, we work for an agency which promotes freelance writers and we could get you something….” The blonde one said… okay I knew nothing about writing and this was meant to be some big joke… I went thought my wallet pretending I was looking for my business card… “Oh sorry, I’ve kinda run out…” I said… obviously if I really wanted it, I could have given her my number right? “Why don’t you give me your number, I’ll give you a call…” I said… “Better still, why don’t we come over to your place…?” I didn’t even think twice about what I thought I heard… “Sorry?” … “We could come over….” The blonde one said… and I swear I never felt myself rise so faster, it like happened in a second!!!!! This wasn’t happening, I’d dreamed about this moment for like FOREVER and it was happening… but then again… I couldn’t do this crap… I promised myself no more, casual sex, it wasn’t about that…. BUT KELLY!!! THESE ARE TWO YOUTHFUL LOOKING WOMEN WHO’LL FULFIL ALL YOUR FANTASIES!!! “Err…. “I never heard myself stutter that bad… “My place is a mess… trust me you don’t wanna come in there” I said…. They looked at each other as if to say, what the **** is he one about and to be frank, I was crazy to have said something like that… even though, blood was flowing to the right place in my body by the second… and I couldn’t even stand up because my hard on will be so bait… “You can come to our place then…” The one in the hat said…. This was a huge dilemma…. I wanted to do this but I’d promised myself not to… I could picture the look on Mark’s face if I told him about this…. “Have you got their number, let me call them” that would be the first thing he’d say… Byron would probably say, good on you bruv but overcoming the temptation… but damn, here I was and everything was happening so fast… I couldn’t go down like this… plus I didn’t want them to be getting no ideas that this brother was gay, turning them down…. “You see this…” I said pointing to my hard on which was now so apparent and bait! “I really wanna do this… like you don’t understand” the look on their face was hysterical, looking at me like I was so crazy prat… “But I’m trying to do this detox thing, so I’m being celibate for a year” I said… I don’t know if they bought it, but at least its clear I was capable of doing IT!!!! “Okay….” The blonde one said… “Good luck on your celibacy…” she continued…. I felt like the world’s biggest plum!!! But at the same time, I felt proud I could say NO!!! There’s no greater feeling than to be able to turn down sex when you know you wanted this…. I needed some control on this sex thing… last year was kinda mad, it was like something I had to do every week… and when I was with Lisa, it was like every blimey night… but now I was have a control over it… because when I found “the one” I didn’t want it to be a physical thing… I wanted to “connect” with her before all the sex thing came into it… and to do that…. I needed to have control on this thang!!!

I got home went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror…. And I said… “Kelly, you are heavy and you are also a plum!!!!” Damn!!! I looked at my bed and I picked those two beauties on the bed with me… doing all the things I’d never had done before… okay I need to stop thinking about it… or else I’ll drive myself crazy….

I felt stupid but at the same time…. Proud!!!

April 18, 2005

I’m not going to lie to anyone, in as much as women hate to admit it, you just can’t handle a guy being real to you… NEVER!!!! I repeat NEVER!!! Even though you stay up at night crying “I just wish he was honest with me”, you not ready for honestly luv, trust me… when you tell a girl you are for real that’s when she wants to give you 101 reasons why she’s not on that and when you play games that’s when she delivers the goods… so what is a guy to do… play games all the time.. Which further shows game theory’s minimax solution is very consistent! Women say all the game plans men make up like when you get a number, don’t call her until the 2nd or 3rd day. Another one is, if a woman puts you on hold for long; lock it off so you look like you’ve got something better to do… REALLY the guy really likes this girl and wants to call her the minute he gets home after getting the number, and REALLY he is enjoying the conversation with the woman and he doesn’t wanna lock it off… so why do we men have to make up all these “rules” in order for these women to be on it???

Its simple women can’t handle an honest guy… he comes out as being boring, bugger-boo and some guy that hasn’t got options!!! This might not be necessarily true! I mean a guy likes a girl and it’s not like he’s boring, he just doesn’t wanna say something or do something unconventional to make you not like him anymore so he sticks to “the conventional” talk and dos… I really wants to hear you sweet voice over the phone and ask you how your day was… doesn’t make him a bugger-boo… and the fact that he gives you so much attention doesn’t mean he hasn’t got options… maybe he just seems enthralled by you… which in normal terms… should make a woman happy… BUT NO THESE ARE SEEN AS BAD SIGNS!!!! So what’s a man to do? Obviously he makes up all this “rules” based on past experiences or tales from fellow guys… and that’s where the concept of “game” originates… its thing technique called “opponent modelling” whereby a player in a game, through series of interactions with his/her opponent, analyses the method of play of the opponent, and generates this set of rules to exploit weaknesses in the opponent’s play… but the weakness of opponent modelling is that like every other strategy which aims to model the opponents play, there is another strategy which is modelling it as well and exploiting its weakness which creates a cycle!!! So guys look to exploit weaknesses in women’s rather ERRATIC behaviour, and make this set of rules… (e.g. call her on the 2nd or 3rd day after getting her number, don’t kiss her on the first date and all the other malarkey)… okay when a women then observes this plays in the man’s “game”, she then models these behaviour and generates her own set of rules to playing “the game”… (i.e. if a guy calls you on the 2nd day of getting my number, he is trying to show that he’s not too on it, therefore he might be trying to run game on me, so I’ll do this and that… or if a guy doesn’t kiss me on the first date.. she thinks, he’s trying to be a gentleman, but really he might not be one… so next time he tries to kiss me, I wont be having it, if he doesn’t call me after that then he’s running game and isn’t on long tings, if he keeps calling, it might mean, he’s actually interested).. So the women makes up her own set of rules… over time, men also observe this change in plays of women and make new rules to exploit her strategy…. And the cycle continues….!!!!

Sunshine is really starting to piss me off… she stood me up! I really don’t care if her story was true or not… obviously I know there is a reason as to why she cancelled on my ass… right now, Kelly aint on no long ting… she can stuff herself all she wants… I’ve put my bid in… if it isn’t good enough, oh well, that’s you problem, back to Kelly’s mentality, you are the one losing out….! Its all down to the fact that when you start to shower a woman with bare attention, she starts to get carried away thinking she’s some sort of fairy tale princess you is in high demand… don’t get this twisted… there’s nothing like that in real life… I’ve been with buffer, nicer and smarter girls than Sunshine, and just the fact that I was ready to give it a chance and get to know her and open up my world to her… didn’t mean she was some Greek goddess of beauty… I’m just going to put her in her place… when I think about girls like Claire, Amerie, Lorraine and even Lisa…. Sunshine didn’t come anywhere close to them in terms of beauty and she even lacked that “je ne se que” Kelly looked for in his women, BUT STILL, there was this “need” for Sunshine… and being driven by this need for Sunshine, I made my intentions clear and to her and still she was to play me like some dickhead…? Err… I don’t think so…

I know if I was to go down the root of “Two can play that game”…. There will be victims… its not about that right now… I don’t wanna be playing no games on her… because she’ll fall for it… but Kelly doesn’t lie, so I wont be playing a “tit-for-tat” strategy…

Maybe this was a case of “letting sleeping dogs lie”. Talking about letting sleeping dogs lie, I called Louise today, just to see if she’ll answer my phone call, and she actually did… I’m like seen… we spoke… and apparently she had a row with Amerie, so they weren’t talking anymore… at least for the past one week and a half… that was good... now I’ve got her isolated… I gave her all the “I missed you talk” which was true because I missed the friend I had in her… she kinda bought it and said she did as well… and SHE ACTUALLY APOLOGISED FOR FREAKING OUT THE OTHER NIGHT AND CHATTING MALARKEY BEHIND MY BACK!!!! Can you believe that???? She said sorry… seen… seen… seen… we spoke for about one hour which felt different, because we hadn’t spoken for a very long time… but it was cool… she said she’ll come round tomorrow… I kinda asked her to, because I had no food at home, so she was coming to do some cooking for me…. About time someone cooked me some good food…

You hear that Sunshine!!! You can stuff yourself… Louise is back… plus I’ve got Chloe… if I needed piece… I’ve got Amerie (who is twice as nice... if not even more)… guess Sunshine was too wrapped up in herself, but you’ve lost out on this one love…. You had your window of opportunity and now it’s closed…

HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

April 17, 2005

I was meant to meet up with Chloe this evening but I cancelled… I was kinda tired… met up with Byron at Bar One… just normal chit chat, nothing major… new chat up line… “I’ll kill myself if you don’t go out with me” Byron said… which he’d used before…. Way back in the days… it worked but he got dumped like…err… the next day!!!! I not sure if he was bluffing… he said he didn’t know what came over him… its was on of those cases where you like a girl so much and she’s not paying you no mind… oh well… so whatever you do DON’T USE THAT CHAT UP LINE!!!!

Didn’t stay out too long at Bar One… went straight home and crashed on my sofa… got some drink out and I remembered a question some girl who I met at Bar One asked me… so what are you looking for in a girl? Come to think of it I liked her…

Okay what Kelly wants in a woman…

A woman who is aware of the fact that she’s a woman… who is into dressing up… (Minus too much makeup and weave), into skirts, shoes, nice tops and good hair (short is a preference, but I like well kept shiny hair too…) It’s not like its two extremes… Chloe’s extra long black hair or Amerie stylish cut… there are grey areas in between…. To keep it short a girl who takes good care of her hair

A woman who is confident… who’s got high self esteem… many girls put up a front… like they are all strong… but really they are insecure and paranoid, fair enough everyone has got insecurities but I’ll like one who’s got control over her insecurity…

An ambitious woman is good in the books… I’ve asked bare girls, what do you wanna be… and they go… I don’t know… I’m like okay…??? You don’t know? Besides what’s this about everyone studying law???? Practically every girl I know is doing law… what’s that???? Careers, I think are good… that will raise my eyebrow… a psychologist… big eyebrow… primary school teacher (so cute… I fell in love with this profession when I played a challenge game with Byron to speak to some girl (who happened to be a 26 year old woman at Victoria Station… she was so beautiful…)… interior decorator… those are the big ones… ones I’m not a big fan of.. Accountants… (When the books aint balancing, you aint getting nothing because their mind is always somewhere else… and social life b/w April and May is non existent (because that’s when the tax year is over!), doctors and nurses… I’m not a big fan of all this overtime talk….

Even though ambition is good… but a calm and submissive women will go down well in the books… a woman who will actually listen to you and not always wanna have a way… that doesn’t mean Kelly is looking for a doormat to walk over… I want a lady who can stand up for herself but at the same time willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship

A lady with a good family background… research shows a girl who comes from a good family is more likely to appreciate commitments and fulfilment in a relationship… also a girl who speaks well of her mom… because if she cusses her mom… she wont think twice about cussing your mom… so when a girl tells you “I don’t like my mom.. She drives me nuts… I just wish she could shut up…” I know everyone feels like that at times… but when you can actually tell someone else that about your mom… its just next levels…

A woman with good service history… preferably no previous owner (which is impossible), but one previous owner won’t be too bad… when it’s like three and above… you asking for trouble… A girl who hasn’t been around the block… its funny how you meet a girl and you friend… (Someone like Mark) is so quick to tell you he’s got a friend who has slept with her and another one who made her “his slag”… things like that are a big turn off

A woman who drives is less of a liability… it shows she’s independent! Also a lady who has got her own money… who will offer to pay for the cinema tickets or go halves on the dinner bill…. A lady who will buy who a birthday gift and you’ll go wow!!!!!!!!

Okay when it comes to looks… obviously Kelly wants a beautiful woman… but really beauty is all relative… what you find beautiful is different from what I find beautiful… nice lips… prominent hips… nice legs… and A WOMAN WHO SMILES ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! It makes you look so younger!!!!

Now that you know what Kelly wants… keep the application forms coming!!!!!!

April 16, 2005

Things I don’t like in women

Women who can’t stop talking about how they are back at the gym and how they are aiming to lose a pound in two weeks… I’m like wow that’s great… its good you are going to the gym, and you don’t need to tell us you are going to the gym just to hint us you are doing something about your recent weight gain… don’t worry we aint complaining, the weight is going to the right places… is it me or… you go out with a woman and she’s asking for water and some “low” calorie meal… I’m like “Luv, I came here to eat and I’m not paying for you to drink water and have a Caesar Salad”

Err… women who like know all the lyrics to all Hip-Pop, Dance hall, Garage (or grime as its called) and sing along at a party like its meant to be karaoke night or some crazy crap like that… I mean! Were did the lady like behaviour go… I like my women to be low key and be conscious of the fact that THEY ARE WOMEN!!!

Women who cant keep their mouth shut when they meant to…. I mean you tell a woman something, next thing your business is out tin the open… you walking down the street, you meet an old friend… and what you thought was “private” this “old friend” knows… and you thinking… “I thought I told her in confidence?” I remember one time, I was trying to help some girl out… so I was being a bit lippy to her friend just to find out some info which this girl asked me to…. Next thing, her friend is calling me and saying she can’t believe I can stoop that low… I’m like… I’m sorry what are you on about… apparently this girl must have gone to her friend and told her me being lippy was all planned… trying to make me look like a dickhead... I MEAN!!! I was only trying to help… since then I’ve kinda abstained from any girlie talk, because they’ll draw you in and you’ll like some guy who aint got nothing else to do than to indulge in girl talk… also.. You tell a girl something about her friend, next thing her friend comes up to you and says I heard you said this about me… and you like what? Can you ever keep anything to yourself???

Have you ever tried to speak to a girl and she gives you bare attitude, like not even paying you no mind… maybe sometimes you phone her and she gives you that I’m busy talk… and when you go somewhere and its home time… that’s when she’s smiling and flirting with you all stroking your arms…. And then you here the “You’ve got a car haven’t you?” line… better still “Can you drop me at home”…. And they give you that puppy dog look… and it used to be a problem for me to say no before… but now… it’s a straight NO!!!! I mean do I look like a cab driver? The cab office is just down the road and if you aint got cab money… there’s always the night bus… I MEAN!!! Stuff like this get me mad…

Women who always wanna tell you what to do… DAMN!!!! I’ve got a mom already, I don’t need another one!!! Women always wanna tell you what to do… “Stop… the traffic light says red…” DUH! I’ve got eyes you know!!! “Slow down, you going too fast…” err… I’m driving at blimey 35mph!!! “When are you getting your hair cut?”, “Who are you on the phone to?”, “You should cut down on Sunday football, you need to concentrate more on your work”, “Go to bed its late…”, “You need to stop eating all those junk food… we wouldn’t like a pot belly would we?”…. I mean the list is endless… JUST PUT A LID ON IT!!!!

Women who think you’ve got all the time in the world… you showing some girl attention and she’s being on a long ting… always feeding you some bull crap story about this and that… and how she aint ready for something… and when you stop being on it… that’s when they are ready… I mean I used to see some girl at some point… and I had to give her like a 2 months notice JUST TO GO CINEMA WITH HER… what are you doing this Saturday? “Oh… going on with some friends...” Next Saturday? “Going out with my mom…” Saturday after the next? “I’m working overtime…” It used to jar me so much… TWO MONTHS just to go bloody cinema!!!

Women who you know, you are way out of their league and they still wanna act like they are something… wanna give you some dumb attitude… luv, listen… guys like me don’t come round everyday and you should be lucky I’m chatting to you… so what are you saying…. I mean… its unbelievable!!!

I’m not a big fan of weaves… but if you really have to wear one… please don’t wear bait weaves!!!

Girls who think they are too nice… when really they are not…

Materialistic girls…

Funny enough Fiona called me out of the blue… that’s strange… just to say hello… we spoke for a while, basically just catching up on stuff… and obviously Michael… she said Michael’s been acting weird lately… doesn’t return her call on time??? And she sees less of him nowadays… like every other weekend since he is always in and out of town…. I wasn’t going to dish the dirt of Michael… that’s my boy… and I suppose that’s why Fiona rang me… I mean she never rings me, so she’s probably thinking, if anything is going on… Kelly should know… oh well… I told her not to worry, that he might just be really busy… and she shouldn’t ask him questions because that will just push him away… come to thing of it… Michael was the guy Tracy was seeing when she stopped seeing me… so he actually took my girl…. Okay maybe he never knew I was seeing her… even though we just went out once….

Besides… Sunshine called me today and said she couldn’t meet up with me because, her mom is feeling a bit under the weather…. I MEAN!!! In as much as I want to believe her, but Kelly isn’t really going to sit around and let some girl play him about…. I really aint got time for that!!!!

Guess Sunshine was all a hype after all….

April 15, 2005

Today was kinda weird. Got into work and I saw this new girl, we was probably Spanish or something, because some bloke I work with who is Spanish was talking to her in some language which I assumed was Spanish. She looked kinda weird nice… if you know what I mean, the whole provocative look even though she was well dressed, but she had dark make up around the eyes (nothing like a goth though), it kinda drew attention to her eyes, which was what made me notice her… We were in the same room for some time, obviously didn’t speak her… then I went out to do something outside the building, when I came back, I saw her get out of the ladies and she walked into a corridor and she kinda noticed I smiled at her… which I normally do to all women… and just as she walked through the corridor, she came back and said… “What is the quickest way to the room in which I was before?” I’m like that’s weird, why is she asking me that… “She must be new” I thought. I described the quickest path to her and she said “Thank you…” I’m like okay… then later on in the day, still in the room, the Spanish guy must have come back and from what I was reading, is either they were involved or they were really good friends… but when she was leaving the guy was talking to some other person and she kept on looking at me, and I kept on looking at her and we kept on looking at each other for like 10 seconds, WHICH IS A LONG TIME!!!! And I’ve never felt so sexually charged in a while…. Just from that look! Then she left with the guy, and I’m like OKAY!!!! That’s weird…

I bumped into one of Byron’s ex-girlfriend at the local supermarket, she said hello, so did I. We spoke for a bit, just of she was, what she was doing, nothing major. Dropped at her home, that’s only because she had loads of shopping bags and her house was on the way to mine. I got home and opened the new bottle of wine I got from the shops and drank slowly, listening to “One Call Away” Jason Weaver’s remix. I was seeing Chloe tomorrow… spoke on the phone to her and she was talking about making cornrows with my hair. That’s not my style just I’ll let her do it because its fun plus I love when girls play with my hair either while doing the cornrows or just messing about with it. Sunshine still hasn’t got back to me about meeting up this weekend. I was going to play it cool though… at the end of the day, I know this girl is gonna come to me after all I’m meant to be Kelly right? And if she was on it once, she will be on it again…

Guess who called today, Amerie… still wants to meet up… I don’t mind but I aint doing nothing with her… she said one of her friends was opening an art gallery then having a penthouse party after… I’m like heyyyyyy!!!! I’m in…. but here’s the dilemma, should I go with a date or should I go alone? I go alone, I might be tempted to get some, because Amerie is pretty like that… but then again if I take a date, Amerie might think its over (which I’m making it out to be) but I don’t want her to forget me…. After all I need to attend a few more “penthouse” parties… that is so gonna be off the hook! I’ve never been in a penthouse before, and I still dream of buying one…. Probably one in Canary Wharf… that will cost at least half a million!!! Actually I saw a one bedroom apartment in the docklands… in a high rise apartment going to just £230,000… I know its kinda crazy, all that money for just one bedroom… it’s not being prudent at all… but I really want a bachelor pad… which my current place is… but I need an excellent view… I mean its all about the view…. Views make moments feel so much special…. You know just holding her from behind and staring out of the window, whispering sweet nothings into her ears!!! I mean girl love all those stuff… probably get a Jacuzzi like right in the middle of the bedroom… I would really love to own a penthouse, if not even a penthouse, just a high rise apartment, over looking the Thames!!!!

Time is ticking, if I wanna be doing that, I need to but the place now… because I don’t wanna be a bachelor for long… man needs to settle down by 25/26 years old, that’s blimey 3-4 years from now…. NOO!!!! Maybe I do really need a girlfriend now… because its not about getting married when you’ve just known each other for six months to one year… I need to know her for more than that!!!!

What I need right now is for Sunshine to call me….

Call me!!!!

April 14, 2005

Thinking of Sunshine was starting to drive me crazy now… I mean!!! I just spoke to this girl for the first time in months and she got Kelly all feeling sentimental and crap… maybe its because I liked her and it never worked, but for the first time in a long time, I’m getting apprehensive about seeing this girl again… its not like she’s the buffest girl I’ve been with or buffest girl I’ve seen but there is just some “freshness” to her and I’m feeling that! Don’t know why… Sunshine’s got me all fiening, I mean!!! That’s not meant to happen to Kelly… I didn’t even feel like this with Amerie, even though I would say Amerie was my kinda girl!!! Actually more like my kinda girl… and I kinda asked Sunshine on the sly about her having a boyfriend, and she said she didn’t…. so she’s free for anyone to put their bid in…. and so far as Kelly was concerned, this is a BUY OUT!!!

I mean I spoke to this girl on the phone, and all throughout work, it’s her voice I’m hearing in my head!!! Her sweet cute “Is it?” and the following cute laugh… that sounds like she’s choking on something… why as this girl got me feeling like I should be with her even though she just popped into my head randomly and I phoned her and then I’m going crazy for what might be nothing!!! I mean she could give me some story about, how she’s not ready for a relationship… fair enough I’ll understand that… I wasn’t going to ask her out just like that anyway, I needed to find out if she was still the same Sunshine I met months ago… kinda reminds me of Jodeci’s “Cry for you!” and here’s my rendition

It's been an hour (actually about five months)
Since you've been gone (since you stopped calling me)
And that's too long (trust me five months is long)So come back home (come to me luv!)
I can't live without you (actually I can’t, but I’ve been thinking bare about you)
so I'll cry for you (hmm… yeah I can do that… not literally though, it’s not that bad…yet anyway)
Do anything that I can (flowers, chocolate, dinner…errr... massage)
To feel that touch from your hand (yeah…. That’s what I’m talking about)
Sorry that I want you (I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this)
Lady what do I do (yeah what can I do) You know you're everything I do (you not exactly what I go for, but for some reason, I’m fiening you)
Do what you want me to (err… about everything, apart from that ONE THING!!!)
Get on my knees for you (err… just if I wanna give you a ring, NOT OTHERWISE!)
What else is there to do
I don't know,
I don't knowBut i'll cry
Lady I, will cry for you tonight….

You won’t believe who text me the other day and I kinda remembered “Oh my days…!”

“Cant believe you Kelly! You said you were going to call me… “Make it up to me”, so you were lying to my face… I was making excuses for myself, why you still haven’t called but really there’s no reason… you were just lying to me, and there in my head I was thinking maybe you actually liked me… so I’m just a pest to you? And I know if it was some next b**** like Amerie, you’d be all over her kissing her ass, I kinda always knew this might happen, after all, you Kelly, you did the same thing to my sister… maybe I let my guard down, but it wont happen again! It’s so obvious you went to see another girl that night… I don’t understand you Kelly!!!”

That long text message (YES IT WAS A TEXT MESSAGE… must have cost her like a pound to send that…) was from Marie… I meant I totally forgot about her!!! Until now… and it’s not like I’ve actually done anything with her, apart from that lil’ kiss we had at the party like a month ago!!! So what is she on about… plus I thought she was running game as well… I didn’t know she actually dumped Darren to be with me….

Raw… she could have told me that… DUH!!! Maybe things would have been different! But now it was all about Sunshine…

She better not let me down….

April 13, 2005

Okay I think its time Kelly got a girlfriend! On a real, it’s getting boring now, just no being with anyone on a long term… but the thing is I just can’t jump into a relationship with anyone… So I was going through my phone book and there was this girl I was seeing just before I started to go out with Lisa… but I kinda messed things up because I was messing about with her… she’s called Sunshine… I know weird name, but that’s what she told me her name was and everyone called her that… so I would assume that was her real name… I didn’t really pay her no mind, but after we did a thing… I always wanted to “hit it one more time”, but it wasn’t happening, because she wasn’t having it… She said she doesn’t “do things with someone who isn’t her man”… we were friends for a while after I started having proper feelings for her… I told her about it but she thought I was running game on her… oh well… or conversations broke down and we kinda stopped talking… right now I needed to call Sunshine!!!!

“Hi, is this Sunshine?” I said… “Err…yes, who is this?” the voice on the other line said… raw, she hasn’t even got my number no more, probably got tired of my ass and deleted my number… “It’s Kelly! I can’t believe you haven’t got my number…” I said, smiling out of embarrassment… “Hey Kelly!!! How are you, how have you been?” the voice all of a sudden warmed up. “I’ve been alright, you?” I asked…. Sunshine was your average good looking girl, short hair, slim body with a nice bum, just the way I liked it! I met her during one of my shopping outings with Byron… we kinda meet her together… she was working in a shoe shop then, and we happened to have walked by the shop, only to see this cute girl helping a little kid try on some shoes…. How cute!!! Awww…!!!! You know me… “Bruv, I need to say a lil’ something to that girl, you know” I told Byron… so I went over to her… making up some story about I was looking for some shoes for my mum… I bet I’ve rinsed out that line… either going shopping for your mom, buying clothes for her, shoes or flowers… the stories never end… its kinda cute and it shows a loving side… anyway I didn’t really buy anything, just asking for some suggestions…. She was really helpful actually… “If I told you I only walked into this shop to speak to you, you won’t see me as a joker would you?” I asked… she smiled, to show she was embarrassed… “Is it?” she said it in such a cute way, which is what made her start going on me…. It was the way she said “Is it?” and the way she laughed… so cute!!! “Yeah, it is… and you won’t mind if I called you sometimes just to get to know you?” I said… I didn’t wanna push on the whole “you kinda nice still…” compliments…. Trust me girls love all those talk but I wasn’t going to flatter her…. I was gonna keep it real…. “Err… I’m sorry I don’t give my number out to random people” she said giving Byron a quick look and smiling at me as if to say “Sorry…” Sorry for what???? I didn’t really feel like a dud because after all she was a random girl, besides I don’t expect every girl to give me her number…. I went home that day, and Byron kept on laughing at me… but I went back to the shop three days after… towards the time the shop actually closed… and I saw her when she finished work, she saw me as well and couldn’t believe it… and she started laughing immediately… “We meet again don’t we?” I said…. “Unfortunately yes….” She said… the day was cool because, we actually spoke and I saw her off to the train station and we had enough jokes like we’d known each other from day! Just before she got on the train, I said… “I still can’t call you can I?” I said with some puppy dog look in my eyes… “You know what, give me your number” She said… I wasn’t going to fall for that crap, enough girls say it, they get your number and never call you… that’s happened a few times to me and I’ve actually learnt from this “Better still, let me have your number, I promise I WILL call you everyday and bug you all night” I said… “Ha ha… you kinda funny, and sweet actually, so I’ll give you my number” She said… so I got her number, we spoke for like a few days… we met up and we did things and I wasn’t showing her no love… so she stopped liking me..so she said anyway, and it was probably true because she stopped calling me and probably deleted my number!!!! I started feeling her before we stopped talking though!!!!

“So you still haven’t told me why you deleted my number” I said… “I didn’t, I changed my phone and I haven’t uploaded my old numbers to this chip, so its probably because I didn’t call you regularly, that’s why the number is not on this phone” She said…. “So will you start calling me now then? I mean, man kinda misses you, you know” I said… “Is it?” that was that cute voice I was really missing, then she didn’t that cute laugh… “Bless” I thought… “Better still, lets meet up this weekend…” I said, trying to think in my head I was meant to meet up with Chloe this weekend, as well as going to some gig, one of Byron’s band was having in West London… “Errm… I’ll think about it… I might be busy” She said…. Seen is this how she’s playing it? I really like this girl before we finished off… she was girlfriend material then… she was probably busy at university, she’s was 19 as well… so this might be a good candidate

Let’s see what she’s saying init? This might be Kelly next girlfriend

April 12, 2005

I’ve been working late at work over the past few days, leaving work at times like 9pm/10pm… after all, social life is a bit on the downside right now… I mean there’s no Louise’s place to crash at, no Amerie… maybe I need to get myself a girlfriend… that will be stable wont it? A girlfriend will suffice at times like this when you go home, to watch late night TV, and go to bed…. I couldn’t even make social calls because by the time I get home and get changed, have a meal (meal = biscuits and orange juice), and settle under my duvet, everyone’s gone to bed… and the only thing you hear on the phone is “This is the …. Voice mail service for 0…7…….” Or if you lucky you get to hear a badly recorded chart song!!!

Can’t believe I still haven’t spoken to anyone about what I found out about Michael, not even Byron…. I guess I just wanna make sure its true and there weren’t two Michaels who did exactly the same job and looked astonishingly alike…. Plus it was none of my business, the fact that he was a “brother” didn’t make it his personal affairs mine… plus Michael was touchy on issues like that… I remember Michael writing me a blimey letter asking me to stay off Fiona because he was getting paranoid, I was moving to it…. With all due respect, Fiona is nice but she isn’t my type…! Maybe when things get bad! Things were really bad though…. Its like one day, you’ve got bare girls at your disposal and the other day, you are sitting there looking at your phone and saying… “I swear that phone is meant to be ringing???”

I went to my parent’s place; got there around 11pm… my mum was worried why I was popping around at these late hours… “Nothing to worry about mom” I said as I handed her a few groceries I bought from the 24hrs Sainsbury’s… my dad was still in the sitting room watching some programme on TV… had a minor chitchat… “How’s work” kinda thing… nothing major… my younger brother was on the phone as usual… I went to the kitchen because my mum had made me something to eat… finished the food and I knew it would be bad mind to leave straight away so I went to the sitting room and cotched there for a little while before saying bye. I got home around 1am… fixed my self a glass of orange juice and just sat down on the sofa… and stared into the abyss… CHLOE!!!! Oh my days I’ve got so wrapped up in everything that’s happened lately that I’ve forgotten about Chloe… even though she rang me two days ago and I said I was going to call her back but forgot to call her!!!

“Hey sweetie” Chloe said as her sleepy voice floated through my handset… “Hi Chloe, how are you…” I said… “I’m alright, you?”… “I suppose I’m okay, I mean, I’ve been working so late nowadays its crazy, sleeping for just over four hours every night… “I said… “Is it? Babe you need to start looking after yourself and stop going to bed so late… you need your beauty sleep” She said… Chloe was so sweet, every time I speak to her I just cant help but to kick my behind and ask myself why I never asked her out back then when we were in university, she would have made the perfect wifey… it wasn’t wholly my fault because she had a boyfriend… I mean back in the days I never used to watch the fact that a girl had a boyfriend, but after a friend was at a girl’s house and her boyfriend caught him there in the act and the man had attacked him with a knife… he had cuts all over his hands while he was trying to protect himself… since then when a girl said she had a boyfriend… I always stayed away, because nowadays everyone seemed to have a gun and a knife and you never know what girl’s man has got one, and I’m not willing to find out…! We kinda caught up on each other… and came to a conclusion that we were going to meet up this weekend…. And just before she came off the phone she said… “Love you…” and that sent a chill down my spine… I mean this is like two years on from when I used to be so bang on this girl and would have done anything to hear those words from her lips… obviously I was aware that she said it in a platonic context… still… it felt so good… I had to down my orange juice… “Love you too babes” I muttered… and bwoy that felt even better…. Can’t remember when last I said that to anyone… even when I was with Lisa, I never said those words… it was always “goodnight babe” and that was it….

I was clearly not going to get involved with Chloe, I cared about her too much to get involved with her because there were no guarantees that it would work and I would never wanna hurt her feelings… guess we were going to remain good friends…