Jan 31, 2005

Have you ever heard the term, The FFF Syndrome. The FINE-FROM-FAR Syndrome. Have you ever seen some girl walk into a place, and from where you sitting, you can't help put keep adjusting your sitting position to get a better view of the damsel who'd just walked in. When you finally get the guts to walk over to her, you discover she's quite the opposite, and cry "Good gracious me" to yourself.

Its not just girls, the male equivalent it called the FWD Syndrome. The FINE-WHEN-DARK Syndrome. Ladies you know when you go raving, clubbing and some guy walks over to you, and you think hmmm... he looks alrite, and you give away you number, thinking you've porched a good one, and when you arrange to meet him in broad day light, you can't help but keep cussing to yourself, thinking what I'm I doing here. No wonder, you see women in clubs flashing the light from their mobile phones onto your face, dont complain, they just doing the right thing.

Do not despair though, if you suffer from any of these two nasty conditions, there's hope. Everyone is good in their own way. Everyone's got a unique selling point, you've got your own brand. Think of yourself as a product. (Since I do Marketing, I deal with determing the USP - Unique Selling Point of many products). Sit down and think to yourself, what makes me different from anyone else? what have I got as an advantage over the other competitors (other guys and women), why should anyone want me and what is my target audience. So instead of charging at a girl, thinking you some Denzel Washington,cracking your lame ass jokes thinking you some sort of Fresh Prince or thinking you've got dashing looks like Tyson Beckford.... sit down and think of your USP, maybe then you'd be more successful with women... afterall, you see bare bleek and ugly men with the world finest women... it may be because they funny.... maybe they rich (that's mostly the case) ... or maybe they are good lovers... so get to the drawing board right now!!!!

You probably asking... so Dr Kelly, what is your USP? Errr.... If you cant tell my USP, then being a quick thinker is definately not one of your USP (that's a starting point...)

Get thinking.....

Ps: Couldn't help thinking about Amy from last night, hopefully she should call me tonight... fingers crossed!

Jan 30, 2005

Today was quite a drag.

I went out with my bwoy Byron to Bar One in the evening. Bar one was packed as usual. Bumped into a few people I knew, no one fancy. Byron and I do this every other sunday to drink our problems away, talk about our lifes, work and most importantly, women. Byron's a decent bloke, just like I was, but I guess he's been decent at the momemt (so he claims anyway). He's got this model girlfriend (she's no Naomi Campbell or nothing, just small time modelling chic), she's pretty though. They've only been going out for a month now, and she's acting up, always busy, tempermental even though Byron claims she's "good at what she does". I confessed to Byron about cheating on Lisa (which I did officially last night), I could confide in Byron though, he wasn't no snitch. "You the one who got me into this mess you know" I said as I downed the Coke with Jack Daniels in my hand. "I should have known to stay away from her, she used me as bait to get her ex jealous"... "It was worth it at the end, wasn't it?" Byron laughed... "Right, wait till Lisa finds out... I think I'm starting to like Lisa you know" I dont know if it was me saying that or the drink because just last week I was contemplating on dumping her. "Is it? how come?" Byron asked "I dont know... she's pretty, very pretty!!! and I'll feel awkward if some other guy was with her... so I've come to a conclusion I like her, as in I wanna be with her"... Frankly I just wanted Lisa to be mine, no one else's, it wasnt because I couldn't wait to tell her of my undying love for her, I just wanted her to myself. "It's only two months you know...you've cheated on her and you are talking to other girls as well" Byron was right, I was flirty, too flirty, I couldn't help myself but to flirt, it was an art to me, and I just loved to make women feel special, because they deserve to feel special... women take too much shit from men, and it has become my sole duty to make it up to them... think of a superhero, flowing cape and a big K on the chest. "Face it Kelly, you are only with Lisa because you dont wanna be alone".... "That's where you are wrong... I want my space... Lisa has been talking of moving in with me... something bout her parents stressing her"... "Ha... you fucked basically" Byron chuckled... "I know... that's why I thinking... I like her, but then I want my space, how can I keep her without any commitments?" I asked rhetorically. Byron's face lit up.... that's so easy... why dont you set her up, push her into having an affair, bust her and leave her... she'll be forever sorry..." He said with his face screaming I'm a genius, I'm a genius... "That's if she liked me-like me in the first place"... "True... but what do you care, most of the girls you seeing nowadays arent wifey material anyway... so it shouldn't bother you... therefore it's a risk worth taking. Think about it you've got leverage... hedging your bets... if she cheats on you and leaves you, who cares, there are other women out there... if she stays... you've got her ass on lock down... cool ey?" Byron was really excited. "So how do we go about this?" I asked "I'll do it" Byron's face lit up "Fuck you man, about you'll do it" I should have seen where this was going.

Let me give you a brief history about Byron and I. I know Byron is done a thing with some girl while I was seeing her, but he doesn't know I know. It didnt really bother me because she wasnt anything special, he was my boy as well. The funny thing (sad, really) is I did the same to his ex-girlfriend a while back, which I know he knows about but he hasn't said anything. That's why its good to be a man. If it were women, they'll be at each other's throats right now, saying "I'll never talk to you anymore...." ....To me, it didnt really bother me.

You probably think that sounds bad, let me explain. This girl was originally Byron's "friend" whom he was working a lil' something with, but it wasn't falling through, so as a challenge, I stepped in and was seeing her for a while. I then told Byron she was getting clingy and wanted her to get off my back.... GUESS THAT WAS HE'S WAY OF HELPING. Byron's ex-girlfriend's case was a similar story... AFTERALL WE ARE TWO GOOD FRIENDS TRYING TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT IN OUR OWN DIFFERENT WAYS.

Don't be surprised though, most of our conversations go this way, we say something and never do anything about it, so I wont be surprised if after five months I was still with Lisa. Err...maybe not, as we were talking, this drop dead gorgeous black beauty walked into the bar (I've never seen her before, even though I knew pretty much everyone who was a regular at Bar One). Byron and I drooled as she walked gracefully to the bar, I forgot to mention, she had some butters friend next to her (as we all know....every buff girl has got a butters friend... can't be bothered to go into that right now)... For the next thirty minutes, Byron and I kept debating who's spoil this girl was going to be. "You can take the friend" We kept of talking over each other. "She's looking at me" Byron said galantly... (I wasnt surprised, Byron always assumes every girl is checking him out) "Okay, get up, go over there and say something then" I said. I knew he wasnt going to do shit. He got up and walk to the bar (Okay, maybe he was going to do something... ITS A MIRACLE)... I could hardly figure out what he was saying... It looked like he asked to buy her a drink and she said "No thank you", He looked like a defeated soldier... He came back and sat next to me... "She aint ready for me, try say no thanks... She's NICE BWOY!" he said, shaking his head with his eyes fixed on the heavenly creature just a few yards away. "Seen" I said as I got up "Watch how its done, bruv" I walked briskly to the bar and ordered a drink.
"Here's your drink" I tapped the "butters one" (she wasnt really butters... it was just in comparison...she was actually alright looking) "Sorry, Its not mine" She shot me a quick smile. "It's yours because I bought it for you love..." I smiled back. "Thanks, but I dont like Moet" She replied. "Maybe if we got to know each other better, I'd probably get it right the next time" She was all smiles now, but the "Buff One" wasnt too happy, she was baffled, she knew was was nice and she deserved all the attention, but I knew my game plan... "I'm Kelly, what's yours?" I reached out in a handshake "Marsha..." She reached for my hand. "And who's your girlfriend's?" "She's Amy" She looked at Amy... "Hi, Amy, you looking gorgeous tonight, what would you two like" NOW SHE'S SMILING (THE BUFF ONE) Tip: Guys, go for the butters one first, its so much easier. If you wanna break a wall, hit the soft part first!!! DUH!!! We got into a chit chat, I could see Byron in the dark, still perplexed. Marsha was Amy's cousin actually. Marsha was 23 and Amy was 21. Most of the conversation was between Marsha and I and I could feel Amy feeling left out (she was just as perplexed as Byron... how come I hitting on Marsha and not her?) Marsha had a quick run to the ladies, and it was now Amy and I, here was my opportunity, my game plan was working. "Do you come her often" She said.... (She was the one talking to me now... see... thats what you call GAME!) "Yeah...Its a nice place... you new here aren't you?"...."Yeah... just moved back to London recently, finished Uni at Birmingham"... "Here's my card, give me a call maybe I could show you round..." She smiled and took it, "A beauty products company...? you work for beauty products company?" "Errr...yeah... is it strange?" I asked... Marsha would be out any minute from now, at least she's got my card now. "No...it's not..." She smiled, (She reminded me so much as Gabrielle Union which her charming smile...) "Guess you need guys like me to keep women like you looking better each day".... "You are so funny...." I felt like saying '...ok... just make sure you call the number on the card' Marsha came back from the ladies... and we resumed conversation... leaving poor Byron still pondering on where he went wrong....

err...Byron... go for the butters friend first!!!!

Jan 29, 2005

The wedding.

Aww... weddings are so cute aren't they? Louise and I got late to the wedding (err... 35 mins late to be precise), which isn't a major offence because ITS A WEDDING!!!! that wasn't bad enough the blimey bride was 1hr 45mins late!!! fair enough a bride is meant to be late... maybe 15mins late, 30mins is still hmmm... pushing it but ONE HOUR FORTY FIVE MINS, thats bloody pushing it! I was mad!!! wonder what was going on in the poor groom's head... err??? did she do the runner on me? how can she do this do me? a million and one thoughts must have gone through his head. The bride finally came, they did all the gooey "you may now kiss the bride" (which they've probably done a million times before!!!). Okay thats the wedding!

There were are a few nice looking ladies still, the bridal train was amazing, beautiful young ladies looking elegant with bright smiles. Guys, never go to weddings alone! I know they say weddings make a nice place to meet ladies, that's true, but try get a female friend to take along... if its that bad take your sister! (just dont try grab her up in order to persuade everyone she's your girlfriend......eewww...) Having a nice girl next to you at a wedding is like wearing a fine Gucci outfit, everyone can't help but to give you a look over, then your lady, then back to you...and whatever you do make sure the girl doesn't look too good for you, because all the other girls will do, is to make her the focus, but if she's not all that, you'll be hte focus and they'll be thinking "I'm better than her, I should be with him!"

Louise wasn't really cramping my style, she was busy doing other stuff, running around, which didnt bother me because, I made sure I had a vantage position to survey the local talent. Exchanged a few plesantries with some of the ladies, giving each one and compliment, and seeing their faces light up was just self-fufilling, who needs phone numbers, just making a girl feel special was my deed done for the day, up until, Louise came over with some burly looking bloke. "Hey, Kelly this is my friend Mike, Mike meet Kelly" She was beaming with smiles, no one had to tell me Mike was Louise's ex, it was written all over their faces (you know how you can just tell who and who are together, because they've got so much in common). He looked in his early thirties...say 31,32? hench with a fitted suit and pointy shoes. "So you are Louise's main squeeze now, ey?" hmm... NOW? that further gave away their history, and the handshake was getting firmer by the second! fair enough maybe I was trying to work a lil' something with Louise, but it wasn't worth having all my fingers broken (hello??? what will I use to feel her when showing her love???) He finally let go. "So how are you two getting on?" He said in some husky voice. What the f**k has Louise been telling you I thought? Louise is just a friend not my girlfriend, or is she trying to get him jealous by bringing me here today.... I FELT USED!!!! All along she just stood there smiling, looking at me, waiting on me to say something... "Err... we getting on fine..." I muttered looking at her funny. "Good...good...that's what I like to hear" I could tell he knew I was young, way young because Louise was 26, she was older than me. We talked for some time, he happened to be a fitness instructor (NAH YOU DON'T SAY!!!).

Seen... so Louise is trying to use me as bait??? seems like my work here is done, I'm finishing this off and bailing. I took Louise home after the wedding. She asked me to come in (which I was waiting for already anyway! I had to finish off with her... try use me you know... no one uses Kelly!). I came in, and she went into the bedroom to get changed... "slipped into something more comfortable" (in order words, something easier to take off).... I'm not going to give you the pleasure by going into graphic details. Lets just say we got busy... I had a big smile on my face, she had a big smile on her face and let's just say...........

.....SOMEONE WON'T BE GETTING A PHONE CALL NO MORE OR MIGHT BE SPEAKING TO THE VOICE MAIL ALL THE TIME

Jan 28, 2005

I know you probably wondering, what happened to me in the past to make me wanna do all this havoc to women. I'm not doing any havoc, I'm only catching up on lost time.

My first girl friend was Claire (err... her name doesn't start with 'L', thats because she's special). Claire was your 'typical turn your head till you break your neck' kinda girl. She walks into a place and all the guys wanna know who Claire is, and also get to know her if you know what I mean. I was a lil' boy of 18 then, I loved this girl to bits, we were friends for about a year (when I mean friends, the kinda of friend who doesn't get shit, but people think he is getting a lil' something. It worked for me anyway). Then I came to a realisation, why should I hang around Claire like her lil' gay friend who isn't into women when I knew I wanted her. So like a typical guy, I'm like "Claire, I really like you and I think we should be together"... and like you'd have guessed, she gave me 101 reasons why we shouldn't be together starting with, "I see you as a friend and I'm scared if we got together and something went wrong, I'll lose the special friendship we have.." the "Its me, not you" talk... guys, when a girl says that to you, its as bad as being shot in the bollocks, it hurts like shit and they try patronize you with the its me and not you, you are a decent guy talk. I never gave up though, had my lucky break, kissed her one day, and she swore it will never happen again... thank God for women, they never mean what they say and never stick to their words, so we kissed again some other time and it became a regular occurence. So we became a couple and boy was I the luckiest guy on the block. Guys will come up to me and say, "Bruv, I see what you working with".... and I was proud of myself.
Inasmuch as we try to deny it guys, women do get to us. I remember that fateful day when we went out and on the way back (was going to drop her at home), when she said "There's something I need to tell you" Oh seen, since nothing of that calibre had happened to me before and it was my first relationship, it didn't really bother me (the statement). I'm like "What love?" the words still echoing in my head right now. "I've been seeing someone else, I made a mistake and I know I dont deserve you but..." My world paused, for the first time in my life, I still can't believe I never crashed the car, all the lovely moments we ever shared together flushed my mind... all the gifts, birthdays, dinners, movies, kisses, caressing, sleepless nights on the phone wasting you bills (credit whatever)... and I THINK I heard you say you've been seeing someone else. "Who was it?", "When?" "Where?" "Was it good?" "Did you enjoy it?" "Was he a good...?" "Was he better...?" The questions seemed to be flowing from my mouth faster than rounds from an AK47, it just wouldn't stop (all guys do this, when you cheat on them, they wanna know all the details and oh yes.... was he better!!!???) "You are not making this easy for me... I'm so sorry" She started crying... "Fucking hell, I'm the victim here!!!" Emotional blackmail! girls use it all the time... I dropped her off and we spoke all night on the phone that night, I didn't cry but my heart cried (I know that sounds so gay but it did hurt)... I forgave her... we were still a couple but the love was gone (that's why I still question myself, did I ever love her in the first place or was I just in some euphoric state of intense feeling for a girl...???) it just took me meeting someone else to forget about her.... but till this day, she's still saying sorry and wants to get back together... but err...this brother has moved on to bigger and better things... (err...make that bigger and buffer things)
So thats it! maybe I'm just being a big baby now, but I'm just catching up on those girls who I never moved to then (making reconciliations). So there you go....

I reckon beneath this all this facade, I'm a sweet loving gentleman who just wants to be loved in the same way, and I bet girls can read that off me, despite me acting the complete opposite. I'm actually looking for that special lady to settle down with, but until I get her... its all FUN! FUN!! FUN!!

Jan 28, 2005

Like every usual day, I was on my way to work, walking down Hammersmith Road, when I saw this nice shapely figure walking a few steps ahead of me, "Damn" I said to myself, trying to catch up to this figure nevertheless enjoying the lovely sights. She resembled some girl I knew sometime ago and been trying to get hold of her, but as I drew closer, I knew it wasnt her because this girl's backside was like Wo! (you know, like Black Rob's Wo). I walked faster to catch up with her and if push came to shove, I'll stop her in her tracks and say a lil' something. To make matters worse, she had a small hooded jacket on and walked so gracefully, you could almost put you money on it that she was a CHOOONNG gal. Lucky for me I never did, this girl was bleek and butters! her face needed some sandpapering bwoy! I carried on walking regaining me pose after the big let down. I'm used to it now. A word of advice to all you girls who aint all that (to be polite), PLEASE dont be wearing some tight fitting jeans especially if you've got a nice backside, just to save us the exercise of walking a little bit faster (even though some of us need it, I aint been to the gym for some time now).
Yesterday's meeting with Louise was alrite, she dropped the "where is this going?" talk on me, thanks to my wit and charm, I wiggled my way out of it! Meeting her again tomorrow, her girlfriend is getting married, and she wants me to escort her (boy I'm I crazy or what?...I've got a girlfriend.. I've got an excuse anyway... she's just a friend). I didnt get none last night, not with her bringing that topic up, such a mojo killer!
Lisa phoned me yesterday as well, I swear that girl knows I'm up to something. This is how the conversation went. "Hey babe, what did you do today, what time did you get in?" Me: "Nuffin much, same ol', same ol' and if you have to know, I just got in" (time was 11pm) "How come, where did you go?" I could have lied to her, but you know what I was going to kill her with her own poison. Me: "Out with a friend" (I was at Bar One with Louise and come on anyone could have seen me and conveyed the message to her, so there was no point lying) "Male or female?" I couldnt believe she was asking me this, she's reeking of insecurity! Me: "Female" (came out easier than I thought. "I didnt know we were allowed to see other people" Me: "Get off me Lisa, she's only a friend... you know you are the most charming girl in my life right now" (Kinda true... she was pretty and charming, but that's subject to change) "Whatever babe, just wanted to hear your sexy voice over the phone before I went to bed" Me: "Seen, now that you've got your mission accomplished, can you let prince charming go to bed because he's so knackered and he's got work tomorrow" I really DID wanna get off the phone "Dont know why you work at Beauty products company anyway, wish you worked where I could get some discount black beauty products".... Me: "It pays the bill, whatever, and I get to work with a lot of pretty women too, what more could I ask for" After coming out of university studying computer science, with barely any girl on my course, talk more of decent girls, starting work at a beauty products company was like a teenage kid being unleashed into babe heaven! and boy was I wrong thinking the conversation would end soon... lasted for another one hour thirty minutes of worthless chat! I need to get out of this pretty fast, but I need to meet someone better (not Louise), someone way better than Lisa... then I'll leave her. Guys, never break up with a girl unless you've got a getaway babe waiting outside for you... its like moving out of your house without having a next house to go to, and thats how it is... we men, live in women's hearts...

Jan 27, 2005

Got into work late today, but felt confident as ever, as I walked briskly into the meeting room, and avoided eye contact with all my other colleagues. I'm usually not late...(at least to not work). I had arranged to meet Lisa yesterday at Bar One at 8pm, got there half 8. Lisa is my girlfriend of two months (very recent) and guess what I'm cheating on her already, it kinda sucks, met Louise two weeks ago (yeah I know... Lisa, Louise... guess what my ex's name was Lorraine... got a thing got girls with first names starting with the letter 'L'). Louise isn't as pretty as Lisa, but she's nice to talk to (very intellectual and mentally stimulating), Lisa and I hardly talk about real things... all we do is get physical (which is getting boring now)... From our meeting last night, I think Lisa is starting to suspect I'm seeing someone else (come on! what I'm I to do... I'm only 22, but the fact that I've got an amazing high flying job doesnt force me to act like a 40 year old). I'm looking for a way to break it to Lisa but her luving is so good, is it worth risking losing those great moments...err...na... let me ride the wave while it lasts... if Lisa left, there are loads of girls out there anyway who wont mind sharing a good brother like me... It's alrite though, I'm meeting Louise tonight... wonder how that will go... we've talked about getting physical but, I feel she'd get cold feet.. she's not very experienced... I can smell it on her like crap, but its ok... there's nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there before, the L on the learner plate clearly stuck between the two eyebrows

I'm not a bad person... I'm a good guy (used to be anyway... until it dawned on me...girls werent into good guys...)

By the way I'm Kelly... I know it sounds like a girl's name... u can call me K though...