Monday, December 26, 2005

The Feelings are back

I,ve been back home for about a week now and as you probably thought, the holiday hasn't been living up to the hype that it was made out to be....Oh well. Even though i haven't seen many of the people that i wanted to see, i've seen still seen some. A couple of friends organised a dinner for us who have come back from university for the holiday, you know, like a little welcome back thing. It was great. Everyone who is everyone was there. Antwon was on a real hype, he kept saying "i'm going to find my wife there bruv". Ok, maybe he was serious, maybe he was just playing around but either way it still sounded unlike him. Antwon is one of my old school friends like Rafael, we are very close. Antwon has the whole 'bad-boy thing' going on for him, the money, fame(he's not a rapstar or anything, he's just known), and he can be sweet at times. He's fairly tall, about 5 9". Me, Antwon and his cousin went to the ball together. Deep down i wanted to take a date but, it was too short notice, and besides, i might find something special, no SOMEONE special. For the past couple of days since i've arrived back home for holiday, iv'e been getting these funny urges, i don't know, it's like i WANT to feel something...Not neccessarily a relationship but something special....Maybe i'm just feeling a bit lonely(dohh!)

I spoke to winnie the other day. I Think im starting to like her again. She has everything that i need in a woman, class, style, she carries herself well, she's beautiful, smart. She's got the R-FACTOR without a doubt but i get the idea that i could never get back with her again. Not that we were in a relationship in the first place but we had something special.I miss those days, the late night conversations on the phone, the cheeky text messages....But Winnie has moved on now, her market value has shot up so high within the space of only a couple of months and competition for me would be crazy if i was to start from scratch with her. I think this is what is making making me even more attracted to her. When i'm around her, it's like i feel her, as in her inner man( that's deep init). If i was to tell her all of this, she'd probably freak out. Wouldn't you? I think i'm just going to try my best to keep my feelings as low profile as i can, sounds immature but in this situation, it's neccessary. Even if i told her how i was starting to feel, it wouldn't make any difference, becuase of the distance when i go back off to university. What am i going to do. Why am i starting to feel all 'deep' again. That's not what Raheem is about you see it, but whenever Winnie is in the picture it's like things change. I think i have to start from scratch with her, it's the only way....I decided to see if i could make plans to see her before the new years since things will be really hectic around those times.....

I decided to send her a text message: "Hey winnie, how you doing? What are you up to this friday? Whatever it is, clear your schedule, because im taking you out..xRaheemxx"

I know your probably thinking, what kind of message is that or if it where you, you'd tell me to 'get lost', ok that's too harsh, maybe make up something to mess up my plans for being too fast with the way i asked you out, but it's not a thing, me and Winnie were on that level. We both link alike(in a way) and have a lot of things in common especially fashion.

She replied: "Sure Raheem, is that you try get swarve...very spontaneous..i like it, just call me whenever your free". As you could guess i had a fat grin on my face when i saw that text. I wanted this date to be REAL, so i didnt spend much time planning it, just did a bit of research about the 'secret venue' of the date you see it.....

Can't wait to see u Winnie...xxx

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Trip To the PAST.

I’m on my way back to London now....…A couple of my friends dropped me off at the train station, they would be leaving too but not until next week, I guess they have time to waste by still staying at uni..NOT ME!! The winter break is finally here, 3 weeks of lovers, dating and drama.
I decided to leave extra early because I couldn’t wait to see what was in store for me, things that were going to happen, places I would go, people I would see. I know it sounds like a big hype but trust me IT’S NOT, ask Rafael...haha…
The train gave me time to think about all those past friends, ex-seers, enemies (lol) that I will be seeing this holiday. I was so eager looking forward to it especially Winnie. Damn…Winnie…(sighs). As you are probably guessing, YES we had history, nothing major though but we did have something there.
Winnie was a different type of girl; she was not the average girl you see 'on road'. She had class, which was rare amongst most girls at that point in time. The thing is, i sort of wanted her as my girl but i don't think that was the way she wanted things to be. Maybe it’s because she had been hurt badly in the past and was scared to get herself into another sticky relationship. The funny thing is that we both knew what we wanted but I just wasn't too sure about what her intentions were of getting with me. It took me SO long in getting her to trust me, not that we was going to enter a relationship or something but I guess she just wanted some security, I don’t blame her for that, I mean, with the type of reputation I had then an all. The thing is, because to was SOOO hard to get, when I finally got her, it’s like I had my lil’ thing with her and I died it out. I got her but didn’t appreciate it, now I think back……I FLOPPED! I should have cherished and kept her because there was no doubt about it, she had the R-Factor. We don’t really talk much these days though, I guess since I went to university; our ‘friendship’ had died down. I want to see what level she’s on now though. You know like when you haven’t seen your ex in TIIIMMEEE and you just see them and want to analyse what level they’re on, what the new girl/boyfriend looks like, if he/she is up to YOUR standards..lol..But the thing is me and Winnie wasn’t in a relationship at all, I guess we was just seeing each other and shared REAL emotions…(sighs)..i’m looking out the train window now, the sky looks so buff, the sun looks firerey red, setting behind the trees and farmland in the distance…WOW, I feel so chilled…
20mins left on the train until I reach THE ENDZ…I shut my laptop, laid back on the comfortable ‘first-class’ seats, and closed my eyes….

My trip the THE PAST has just begun..

Thursday, December 15, 2005

PAUSE!...4:00am

OK, iv'e now reached that standstill in my life. You know the time when you stop to think about what is really going on in your life.. the past, present and what is in store for the future? I woke up ealry this morning, like 4:00am and had the weirdest feeling, like the world just paused for a minute....everything was silent. I was in my room, it was dark and i sat up on my bed as if i were a zombie or something...I stayed sat up for a while with my back against the wall...i had like a million thoughts rushing through my head, the funny thing is that i didn't know what the heck i was thinking about and why i got up so early. For once i felt SOLO. That's what i call it, SOLO. For a long time the only thoughts that would ran through my mind were about other things and other people. It was like my life was like a merry-go-round and there wasn't one standstill throughout the ride...I never stopped to think about ME! All i was concerned about was my surroundings.
You remember Rafael's concept about EVOLUTION and adapting to the your surroundings in relation to the way you are? and Kelly's concept about having a USP(Unique Selling Point)? well ..lets just say for the past couple of months it felt like i was trying to adapt to my surrounds with no clear idea of what my USP actually was....It's like trying to start a business with no Business Plan, you must know what diffenciates your company product/service from the 'market' right? And when you know this, and have a sound plan, you will be able to use your USP to your own advantage. In my situation i'd like to describe it as the 'blind man walking'...It basically means you don't know where your going(simple right), the thing is, you may have the knowledge but you might not know how to apply it properly to relevant situations. Now, in terms of GAME THEORY,you may know all the knowledge but you may not know how to adapt it properly in your situation. You see, people never stop to think, what they're strenghts and weaknesses are. In the business world, they call it SWOT ANALYSIS. S=Strenghts W=Weaknesses O=Opportunities T=Threats
. Im your you can put the pieces of the puzzles together with this little strategy. What my problem was, is that i failed to think about my SWOT in terms my my involvment in the 'Dating Market'. I could clearly see my threats and opportunities and threats beacuse these are what we describe as EXTERNAL FACTORS becuase they are nothing to do with you, but your surroundings. I could see my opportunites, e.g single women, break-ups, etc. and threats e.g ghosts in the 'palace' but i failed to look deep into my self and identify my strenghts and weaknesses which are the INTERNAL FACTORS....This was what this morning was all about....the stand still. I took time out for once in my life and sat to think about 'wagwan' with Raheem's life, i had to wake up my inner man, i have been living to outwards, that meaning THE FLESH, it's time to get deeper, start seeing things differently, start being the real Raheem. This is only the beggining....

My friend's are having this get together today, everyone is going to be there, it's sort of like a social gathering when everyone is going to get to catch-up before w
you'll meet the boys too..e all go on our end-of-term vacations. I told the boys i'd meet up with them before we go.
5:00am and im still up, i cant sleep anymore...i'd just have to stay up and wait for day to break!

Raheem

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Grace....

I was now with Grace, fresh in the relationship and feelin good.All i wanted was a girl that was close to me, one that I could talk to about anything, you know, some call it a soul mate, but I don’t think it was that. This was one of the reasons why I got with her. I was caught up, everything was going perfect. I and Grace never used to argue. I would tell people that and they'll be like nah, that’s weird. It’s not compulsory that a couple argue during the relationship right? At least that’s what I thought .But that didn’t bother me, I just kept on with Grace.

While me and Grace were together, I would still see Adelle in college...I always thought 2myself why I never made my move on her before me and Grace got together, but hey, it’s not a thing. I think Winnie was kind of pissed that I just jumped into a relationship with no consideration of how she felt. That was the thing though. I didn’t know how she felt. Winnie was the type of girl that showed NO emotion whatsoever even in the most awkward situations .I guess deep down i got with Grace to get my mind off Adelle and just forgot about Winnie…(I know that’s bad but, things happen. you see it?). It wasn't working though. I felt kind of guilty of what I was doing to Grace but nobody knew. This was when I started to get all sympathetic and actually started to have feelings. This when it all started......

Everything was going well with me and Grace and I did not look at ANY other girl, I mean, it was like I wanted to be on lockdown, ok sorry ladies, let me rephrase….It was like I wanted COMMITMENT! I just wanted a PERFECT relationship. Grace got used to my 'luvy duvy' behaviour and as time passed she popped the 'L' word to me. It was one night and we were talking on the phone. When she said it, I paused and did not know whether to say it back....then I just said it, "I love you too". It felt kind of awkward at first but it then became a routine thing after a long night’s conversation on the phone. I didn't know if I meant it when I said it but one thing I do know for sure is that I DID like her a lot.
This had always been my problem, jumping into things and later realizing that I really didn't want it. But really and truly I did want Grace, I mean, but after a while i started i started to get kind of bored. Everything was just becoming a routine and Raheem HATES routines. Grace was just getting more and more attached and i was starting to feel the HEAT. I was getting scared of the commitments and didn't know what I wanted anymore(to you it may seem like just plain old confusion but boy…I knew what I was going through). This was when I started to have doubts about me and Graces relationship. I then felt like I was leading her on but i wasn't sure, i wasn't sure about ANYTHING anymore. I carried on in feeling this way but never said anything, I guess i just thought that things would just magically get better.......yea right!!

A couple of months down the line, it got too bad, i just couldn’t take it anymore I spent sleepless nights thinking of what I was going to do and finally decided........it was time.

We both was having a conversation one time at a cafe near where I lived, it was our usual spot, we normally use that time to catch up with things that went on during the week and casually exchange pleasantries. I was just waiting for the right time to drop 'it' in. then she said "i need to tell you something first". .By this time I was just looking at her in suspense like ' i hope its not what i think it is'. Then….. "i know we've been going out for some time now and i still like you and every thing but.....", "but what" I said. "I just don't feel that I can be in a relationship anymore, I mean, I just don’t know". She didn't give a good reason. Her head was faced down in guilt. I was like "yeah, it's cool i understand”. She knew I was pissed, I was more than pissed. After we talked, we was sitting silent for a while, then luckily i got a phone call, one of my room friends who wanted me to come and meet him to collect something. My heart was beating FAST. I left without saying a word. I was DEVASTATED, i mean, i was going to break up with her but she got to me first. How could she do this to me? I swear it felt like it was the movies…

I was now a single man. i didn't even try to talk to other girls,it just wouldn't work. All my friends now had girlfriends, I was the only one…
I still couldn’t believe that she broke up with me. Now all that drama about me not feeling the relationship was gone. I didn't know how I felt. When i got back to home, i just fell on the bed and started listening to 'never really was" by mario winans, that didn’t make things better but it helped….. I couldn't sleep for the whole of that night. I had lost my appetite and I didn't eat. I didn't know that it would affect me this much, the pain was unbearable. What next........

Was I even really in her palace?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

On my mind..

I’m lost
I don’t know whether I’m in the gate, garden or palace
I thought I was in the palace when we shared hearts
Now the palace has been torn down
Now you’ve left me playing in the garden, alone

I thought our palace would never crumble?
I guess the foundation was not strong, I guess I was wrong..
Will we ever rebuild the palace and build a beautiful new one?
I’m not sure if that’s what I want
I’m lost

You left me in the garden in the mist of foxes and seductresses
But did you ever stop to think that maybe I did want the palace?
Maybe I DID want to be the prince on the throne in your palace?
Why did u destroy the foundation?
I'M ANGRY, I’m lost

I’m still searching for pieces in the rubble
I doubt I’d find anything
Or maybe there is something you’re not telling me…
Maybe you destroyed the palace on purpose to rebuild a new one..
No, maybe it’s just me!
I’m lost

Is it back to the Gate for us?
Back to the starting point?
i hope not

You destroyed our palace, I'M ANGRY, im lost
Do i ever want to see the PALACE again? I seriously don't know
Im having doubts, maybe the palace is not for me.
Maybe i'm not ready, maybe it's not my time
Because really and truly i dont want to get myself in a situation where i feel i want something or SOMEONE...

The story continues…..

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The dating market

Did it ever occur to you that the dating scene is like a market? It actually obeys the law of economics!!! YOu know the whole law of supply and demand! Did it ever occur to you that the price of a commodity increases with it's demand? If demand is high... so is the price... that sounds pretty much like the dating scene... if the demand for a woman begins to increase... the more difficult she reckons she should be and then the harder it is to make her yours! That's fine by me but the what we guys need to be aware of is the fact that when the demand for a product increases, it's very likely to become overvalued! That's what makes me unhappy!I wouldnt have put my money on it how hot Karen was on the "dating market"... you know you see some girls and you can tell she's got lots of men on her and you just dont bother... but Karen was different... I never thought she was the hottest thing on the market so at first my bid was weak... because I thought she wasnt worth much on the market...man like me doesnt pay a penny over the recommended retail price. At the end of the day I ended up topping my bid by the minute... It didnt seem to be enough... but right now I've taken the backseat... I know she'll be mine on day... I can feel it... Remember what I said about markets? The price fluctuates... it goes up... it goes down... it comes out of the blue and blows up... There's this girl I see almost every day near where I live. She works in a high street store... The first time I saw her... it was from behind... The whole..."Who's that chic...?" and when you walk up to have a look at her face. you are disappointed. But the weird thing is the more I saw her the more I wanted to talk to her... the more I wanted to say hi... we shared so many eye contacts... she knows I make a conscious effort to look at here through her shop windows... but she really isnt nice... now what has that got to do with markets??? demand and supply... she's like the only "relatively" ok looking girl that works where I live... you see it? supply is low therefore demand goes up... that's not a good market... a perfect market is one where there is an equal number of buyers and sellers... that's when you pay the right and fair price for a commodity... therefore if you wanna get the right girl at the right "price"... you are a long way from that... the dating market is so unstable... so you are hardly going to get one at the right price... and it's never going to be stable... but then its unstability makes it more exciting...!!! Without it's instability what will our love lives be like... no twists like two girlfriends fighting over the same guy... a guy secretly seeing his girlfriend's friend... or cheating...??? so who cares about paying the right price if it offers so much fun anyway...!!!!
Kelly

Back to the year...two thousand and GRACE....

Today was pretty the same as every other day for the past week, dull and boring but with the exception of the way Adelle walked into the cafe so gracefully just like one of those model chicks you see in New Bond St. Adelle is this FINE Girl I met in the 1st year of college. I’ve always had a thing for this girl but it’s like she'd never open herself to me. I always gave her little hints that I wanted to get with her, but it’s like we just kept going around in circles.

Adelle was sitting with her friends as she always does so; I never got the chance to have a 121 conversation with her. Her friends were very unlike her, they are all loud while she was more in the chillzone. Adelle is very much laid back(not quiet)…

Rachel was also one of Adelles close friends, out of all of their batch, Rachael was like the feminist. Rachel was sexy in her own way, in other words let's just say she knew how to look good. Rachel can be very controlling sometimes, especially towards her friends. Its like if I wanted to move to one of her friends, she actually had the power to convince them that I am a bad guy and I am just like 'the rest', I mean, most girls of today aren’t really controlled by their friends anymore right????....at least I hope not. Rachel reminded me of the character that Gabrielle Union plays in the movie 'Deliver Us from Eva'. I get the idea that she has been seriously hurt in the past and had her heart shattered, leading to this sort of 'stush', uptight, untouchable attitude she has. Either way I’m sure she won't get in the way and ruin my chances with Adelle......
.

I don't know if it’s me or are girls just getting smarter when it comes to subject of 'lovers and friends'? NO! I know it’s not just me.

I always thought that I had TOTAL control over the opposite sex until Grace came and destroyed all my dreams. I used to have this sort of mentality that all girls were the same and they all played these silly games, pretending like they care but they don't, I guess that makes two of us…(men AND women). That was until i met Grace. She changed the whole way I thought about girls, I mean, she made we think that maybe there was a chance and MAYBE i could actually pour my feelings out to another girl. You'll soon find out what happened with me and Grace, but let’s take it back to the early days, when nobody even knew what 'game' was…lol.

I had a thing for Adelle before i got with Grace, which was why i found it so hard to feel attached to Grace, even though I was STILL at Adelles gate... While I liked Adelle and before I got with Grace, I was talking to this girl called Winnie….

Winnie was a different type of girl; she was not the average girl you see 'on road'. She had class, which was rare amongst most girls at that point in time. The thing is, I sort of wanted her as my girl but i don't think that was the way she wanted things to be. Maybe its because she had been hurt badly in the past and was scared to get herself into another sticky relationship. The funny thing is that we both knew what we wanted but I just wasn't too sure about what her intentions were of getting with me. Either way I knew that I was going to get MY piece, after all that’s what she wanted rite.....

To get to the point, me and Winnie both got what we wanted at the end of the day but it was like we both were unsure of how we felt after we did 'the do'. I did not want to go all the way with her because I did not want her to get attached to me, she had a serious ghost lurking around her palace somewhere so I knew she was still interacting with this ghost…... That is one thing you don't want, well I didn’t…..what? Aren’t YOU scared of ghosts…?

Now where were we? Oh yea. I did my ting with Winnie and we were still on talking terms. This was when I met Grace (the villain). I knew her from before but we never really used to talk. Raf was always telling me to move to her but I was like nah, i mean, she aint good enough for me, thought I was the biggest guy on the scene…. I just kept on fronting like I didn't want her then one day i thought, what the heck! Besides after my thing with Winnie I just wanted a wifey. Like Kelly said.” never get yourself when you feel you need something(e.g. a partner)”. Imagine, Raheem settling down that was news to my friends... I was never really a relationship type person.
I was young and didn't want to get caught up with any girl at that time. You see even though I had never been hurt before, i knew close friends that have been badly hurt and burnt by relationships going wrong and seeing what they went through just put me off the whole getting together thing. I guess I was scared to see the palace.
This Grace chick was nothing special then, I mean, it wasn't like she used to have guys rushing to her in desperation. She was an average girl. I knew that if i was to start going out with her, things will be o.k. and no one will be able to take her from me, at least that’s what I kept saying to myself…….brothers need security too you know.
I didn't really think much into what i was getting into, besides i just wanted a girl to be THERE, someone I could talk to, chill with and always go back to…..there’s no crime in that right?????

I then decided to take my chances with Grace and go for it.........

(The story continues…………….)

Raheem