Feb 24, 2005

I met up with Byron today at Bar One, talking about the usual things we talk about. One thing that lightened up the day was talking about your most memorable date. Byron had mentioned something about him going on some date (years ago) where he got caught out with a girl in a locker room at the cinema... bare jokes!!! As for Kelly, most memorable date (or should I say best date…???)… would be ….

This happened about a year ago… there was this girl I fancied a lot but never did anything about it… I finally asked her out…. (at this point we’d become really good friends…err that’s what happens when you like a girl and you don’t do nothing about it!)… so we went to this really fancy cinema… We bought the tickets and she went ahead to buy some ice-cream while I went to the toilets… (don’t worry, I washed my hands…)… It then occurred to me that my phones (two) were missing!!! I rushed to counter where we’d purchased the tickets and didn’t find them… I also asked the lady selling the tickets if she’d seen any phones… she said she hadn’t DAMN!!! TWO BLIMEY PHONES MISSING… we looked for the phones in her car (I knew I took the phones out of the car… but when you are looking for something missing… you look in crazy places… err… like in your shoes!)… I never found my phones… I’m like this is my DAMN DREAM DATE!!! I should be getting all cosy with this pretty angel next to me…but here I am looking for my phones!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I came to a conclusion my phones had been stolen… NO!!!!!!!! she was really helpful… she left messages on the phone… (oooOOOHHH… really threatening ones…. not really….) and after some time I just say on the sofa at the cinema and thought… all I asked for was to be with this girl and look at what I getting in return… to make matters worse I’d travelled from the other side of town!!! THEN THE LIGHT BULB WENT ON! (Brilliant idea!)… I looked at the kiosk where the tickets were been sold… I saw the CCTV camera… and I’m like yeah… I’m in business!!! I asked the manager if I could see the tapes… he’s like I have to come back tomorrow… come back tomorrow? I don’t live anywhere near here… he’s like “sorry mate”… after some minutes… he came back and he said he checked and there was nothing on the tapes… I insisted I came with him and after much deliberation, he agreed…. Here’s the good part… I saw the film… I saw my phones sitting on the till (where I’d left them) and some PRICK came and took them (he was with his girlfriend!!!)… put it in his pocket and left the cinema… (probably to put them in his car… SLY BASTARD!!!!)… he game himself away by wearing a dark jumper with a distinctive white line across… (the tapes didn’t help… it was black and white and it had a two second delay!!!) he was kinda dark… so I assumed he was a black man… and he had all stupid designs in his hair!!! TO REMIND YOU… ALL I CAME TO DO WAS BE WITH THIS PRETTY GIRL AND SOME PRICK STOLE MY PHONE!!! The manager was quite helpful and he found out the films they’re (the thief and his girl) watching…. Dumb ass prick was watching Harry Potter…. So I snuck into the screen (the screen wasn’t packed… so I could recognise him easily MAN WAS GETTING ALL COSY WITH HIS GIRL…I’M LIKE THAT SUPPOSE TO BE ME BRUV!!!!…thx to his dumb hair design and his jumper)… I went out and told the manager… but he said I shouldn’t confront him because it was against their policy (some dumb policy about they have obligations to protect their customers)… it wasn’t like I was packing anything to confront him…he could have a knife or better still deny it…or RUN AWAY!!!!... another light bulb lit…. err… CALL THE POLICE!!!! I had no phone… so we used the girl’s phone… and her battery died while we were waiting on the operator (GREAT!!!!)…we then used a payphone…she was on the phone…ON HOLD FOR ABOUT 30MINS!!!! And I was watching out for this guy, in case he came out! AND HE DID COME OUT!!!! But he went to the toilet… it was some black-boy wannabe Asian dude… I was filled with so much rage… I would have rushed him…. (hopefully I should win… provided he didn’t have a gun or knife)… he went back into the screening hall… then the police came like after another 20mins… and I’m like some dude stole my phone… he’s like have you got evidence? I’m like hell yeah!!!! So with the manager, I showed them the “evidence”… and I lead them to the screen where the prick was…. And the police man thought he was James Bond, all sneaking in and having a look… then he went to him and called him out… serves him right public embarrassment!!!.. The police man told him that he’s been accused of stealing two mobile phones… the prat was so confident… he went I didn’t steal nothing… he’s like search me… they search him and found nothing…! Ahh…that’s where you are dumb!!! The police man said…”Let me put it this way, we’ve got CCTV evidence…to show you took the phones….” And what he said next made me wanna punch him red…. He said he didn’t know the phones were mine and was going to return them…. And the police man went to his car to get the phones… I was so happy to get my phones back… the police man asked me if I wanted to press charges… I’m like naa… I just want my phones back… and the disgusting thing he said (the thief) was BLUD (who was he to say blud? You are not even black!!!) YOU KNOW IF YOU WERE IN THE SAME SITUATION YOU’LL HAVE TAKEN THE PHONES AS WELL... “Oh my days… I know you didn’t just say that” That’s when I switched… but the police man held me back.. saying its ok, I should leave him… in case he pressed charges against me for assault…..!

Ahh…what I memorable day… I went out that day… just to be with my love, pretty female friend, who I fancied for TIME!!!…. And I didn’t even get to spend time with her IN THE COMFORT OF THE CINEMA!!! But it was fun… a date that turned into crime solving…. Maybe I could be the first black James Bond!!! Err…maybe not! Plus I have to rate the girl… she was so helpful!!! I don’t think any other girl would have done that… some other girl would have been sitting all pretty saying…”I’m so sorry, I cant believe people can be so callous”… but she put in a 101% to get my phones back…

THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL WIFEY MATERIAL!!!!

Byron then went to have a word with a female friend… some two ladies were chatting in the corner… and one of them caught my eye… and I gave her this look…which said “Err…why are you looking at me?” and she was like what? Byron took forever… and then the one who’d caught my eye looked again and smiled…. I told her to come over… she’s like no…you come over… and I thought.. I’ve got nothing to lose…Byron was taking forever… let me have a chat… So we got talking… and I found out they were both single mothers… about my age as well… and to have some fun… I said I had a baby too…a boy… They were like “Is it? How old is he?” … I had to say something cute… “It was his 1st birthday two weeks ago” They were surprised but didn’t believe me (what does a baby father look like?)… then Byron came over and joined…. And when they asked him (don’t know why they wanted to catch me out) He was tried to lie to cover me up… and I kept on hitting one finger on the table to indicate ONE YEAR OLD but he didn’t catch on… and he said TWO!!! I got caught out… but it was fun, having a chat with them… the one who caught my eye asked for a dance (it was slow jams as well!!!)… but I declined… she was kinda short… and I was tall so it won’t look right… at the end when they were leaving… I’m like how are you girls getting home… she’s like she was driving… I’m like cool!!!! She’s like how are you getting home… by bus??? (were they trying to take the piss?) the other girl must have said…”Have you got a bus pass because a bus ticket now cost £1.20”…. okay it wasn’t funny anymore… but I laughed at their dumb ass jokes…. I’m like I’m driving… she’s like “What car do you drive?” WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS ASK THAT… I DRIVE I DRIVE….PERIOD!... I’m like does it matter…? She then smiled…. I walked her to her car… it wasn’t no 54REG BLACK GOLF GTi…. As she’d been carrying on…. “oooOOOHHH….I drive…..”… She’s like aren’t you leaving now… I said “err…there’s one more thing I need to do….” She said “what?” I’m like “Get your number….” It sounded quite smooth to me… but she’s like “Naa… I’m off men at the moment… I like you though…” Okay what’s that about??? You like me and you can’t give me your number… fair enough you’ve got a young child who needs all your attention… but I didn’t want anything from her… I reckon it was my delivery…I was trying to be smooth…. I should have used the whole innocent… “nice chatting to you, would like to continue the conversation sometimes” line… DOH!!!

That was today…right now I’m knackered and I need to sleep!!!!